Month: March 2013

Melting Glaciers Making Really Nice Ice Cubes for the Inuit
World

Melting Glaciers Making Really Nice Ice Cubes for the Inuit

GREENLAND–Last year, a melting glacier known as the Petermann glacier calved off a sizable chunk of ice approximately twice the size of Manhattan. And the Inuit couldn’t be happier. Apparently, the Greenlandic natives have been benefiting from global warming trends for quite some time. Much of the ice that has been breaking off of these glaciers is going directly into their handmade water pouches. “Oh yeah. It’s the yak’s pajamas!” said local fisherman Imnek. “When life gives us lemons, we make glacially iced lemonade. You should try some.” Scientists at the Intergovernmental Panel for Climate Change (a branch of the United Nations located in Geneva, Switzerland) are almost unanimous in their consensus as to the chief cause; though a few have noted that the Earth has gone through warming...
Dead Pigs in Shanghai River Classic Case of Zodiac Rivalry, Officials Say
China

Dead Pigs in Shanghai River Classic Case of Zodiac Rivalry, Officials Say

SHANGHAI–Chinese officials have released an official statement today on the reason behind the almost 3,000 porcine carcasses found floating in the Huangpu river. The well-timed statement has successfully lifted the fog of mystery surrounding this formerly intriguing incident and, at the same time, brought a sigh of relief to a tense and worried urban population. Shanghai’s new mayor, Yang Xiong, assured the city’s residents that this had nothing to do with harmful chemicals or pollutants from China’s environmentally-friendly factories as some have spuriously suggested. Apparently, the spirit pig became insanely jealous with all the attention being lavished on China’s serpentine golden boys–the dragon and dragon junior–and so, obviously, he sacrificed 2,800 willing volunteers to br...