May 2017 – Iron E-News

Husband Concerned all the Cuddling just Leading to More Cuddling

31May

By jeff16 Comments

Society

Husband Concerned all the Cuddling just Leading to More Cuddling

Local husband David Hornee is concerned. Not about whether the dishes are done or the shower curtain is pulled back or the toilet seat is still up. All that can wait. He's concerned about his relationship. According to David, last night was the fourth night in a row that he and his wife of many years cuddled...and then watched TV. "It's not that I expect anything more to happen after we cuddle," David explained, "it's just that I'm really upset if nothing does." His wife, however, had a different take on their past couple of shared weeks. "It's been great," she said with a smile on her face. "You know, it's so nice to be able to grow closer to one another and have physical touch without any unnecessary expectations, if you know what I mean." Based on a recent study, ...

Report: Swamp Butt on the Rise in Texas and Much of the South

26May

By jeff17 Comments

U.S.

Report: Swamp Butt on the Rise in Texas and Much of the South

Last night, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a report informing the nation of the terrible, reoccurring health and safety issue known as "Swamp Butt". SB, which generally coincides with excessively warm summers, is a condition in which one's butt crack takes on a life of its own and becomes a steaming, wet, inhospitable marsh of death. Although not contagious per se, it is very unpredictable and extremely difficult to manage once symptoms present themselves. "The situation is quickly becoming widespread," reported one CDC agent rather gravely. "And honestly, it's a considerable risk to, well, to anyone who’s not blind. Just to warn you, anyone within a 20 yard radius may be in danger—not of catching it, no—of just being really, really grossed out." Iron E-News s...

Iron E-News Quietly Wins Award over The Onion and Possibly Entire Internet

24May

By jeff16 Comments

Internets

Iron E-News Quietly Wins Award over The Onion and Possibly Entire Internet

Iron E-News is proud to announce that it has won the coveted Comment Response Award Prize for the first straight year in a row. This award, which has been called the Nobel Peace Prize of the Internet, is only given once a year to the news website that exemplifies the highest standards in both news reporting and website design/performance. However, though this award is actually given to the website that accumulates the greatest number of comments, the former is obviously implied. This year, Iron E-News far surpassed other notable real news websites such as The Onion and Newsbiscuit as well as various fake news sites such as The New York Times and The Washington Post. Here is just a taste of the passion and avid commitment from some of our readers: “good day everyone. i’m looki...

Email Typo saying “Bare with us this Friday…” has Unfortunate Consequences

20May

By jeff22 Comments

Society

Email Typo saying “Bare with us this Friday…” has Unfortunate Consequences

The faithful workers at Syrius Enterprises & Technologies Incorporated had little reason to believe that last Friday would prove to be any different than most other “Fundays” (which is what their boss, unfortunately, has named all Fridays)–or that they would be in for the surprise of their humdrum lives. They were wrong. On top of all of this, never would they have imagined in a million years that Dink would be the one to surprise them. Dink Furtlebottom, a seemingly normal human being from great distances was someone who became increasingly eccentric the closer you got to him. A diligent worker and tireless follower– Dink was one who would go around the mountain to avoid even looking at the cart. He took things as they came and happily thought of himself as a tiny yet effic...

20May

By jeff30 Comments

World

Endangered Gerbil Saved in Sudan

DARFUR—A rare Gerbillus Burtoni, or Burton’s Gerbil, destined to become some predator or insect’s meal, was rescued yesterday in the western part of one of Africa’s most chaotic countries. As rain clouds and troops rolled in over the sprawling savanna toward a civilian village, one of nature’s most adorable creatures was saved from imminent danger and destruction. Faithful Iron E-News reporter, Bev Jolt, traveled to the war-torn area to discover what really happened. “There I was, crouched behind a large baobab tree,” reported a courageous UN peacekeeper, “when I spotted something scurrying on the ground about ten meters from my position. I recognized the little guy immediately and, remembering he was endangered, knew I had to do something fast. I leapt out from behind my shelte...

America is all like ‘Er mah Gerd’ and Trump is all like ‘Troll-lol-lol’, According to Informed Youth

15May

By jeff25 Comments

Politics

America is all like ‘Er mah Gerd’ and Trump is all like ‘Troll-lol-lol’, According to Informed Youth

Amanda Flerd, a 12 year old middle school student from Richmond, Virginia, recently gave a current events speech to her class, informing them of the latest political tensions in America while offering lucid analysis on its current state of affairs. The presentation was well-received by the class, who claimed they learned more in those two minutes than they had all year. "OMG guys, this almost gave me GHERSBERMPS! So Trump totally trolled this FBI dude, Clowny, for trying to probe a Russian or something cuz YOLO. Lulz. And now America is all like 'ERMAHGERD!' about Trump but Trump is all like 'Troll-lol-lol' America cuz YOPO (you're only president once). And THEN--get this--G Dubs and Laura were in town cuz, according to the media, this dude Spicer was trying to avoid everyone by ...