Month: June 2017

Local Introvert Mistaken for Asshole
25Jun By jeff25 Comments
Local Man

Local Introvert Mistaken for Asshole

Area anti-socialite, Phil Koff, was wandering down the aisle of his local grocery store--minding his own quiet business--when he spotted a first-time acquaintance, Cher Tumuch, approaching ominously from the other direction. Though Mr. Koff did his best to hide his entire body behind a bevy of pineapples, Ms. Tumuch had already seen him.  It was his next action that was sadly misinterpreted for plain assholery. "To me and my fellow introverts," Phil offered candidly,  "turning and walking brusquely the other way as if I had just felt the onset of diarrhea was a very normal thing to do.  We (Cher and I) had literally just met the other day.  It wasn't even as if she were a long time acquaintance or one of my wife's innumerable friends." "I know he saw me!" Ms. Tumuch said at a higher vol...
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‘Cars 3’ Overtakes ‘Wonder Woman’ because Kids Hate Feminism
20Jun By jeff14 Comments
ENTMT

‘Cars 3’ Overtakes ‘Wonder Woman’ because Kids Hate Feminism

Kids are bigots. The latest installment in the animated hit series Cars has revealed a disturbing and dark underbelly of a group of our population that is normally portrayed with all the glossy doe-eyed innocence of little lambs.  But it turns out it was all just propaganda.  That's right, your sweet, adorable little Mickey is a big ole' bigot. Freaking Mickey.  Every time I think about him cheering an animated car instead of the Amazonian princess Diana I throw up in my mouth a little. "Cars rule and girls drool," one pint-sized fan reported.  "I'll take Lightning Mcqueen over the Princess of Themyscira any day of a million kajillion lifetimes - times infinity.  Oh yeah, and did I mention girls drool?" Although it's true that little boys are the ones mostly driving up ticket s...
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Newspapers Guilty of Using Kylie Jenner, Beyonce, Kim K, T Swift, Meghan Markle in Headlines for Cheap Traffic
13Jun By jeffNo Comments
Celebrities, Society

Newspapers Guilty of Using Kylie Jenner, Beyonce, Kim K, T Swift, Meghan Markle in Headlines for Cheap Traffic

"Nature abhors a vacuum" and we're pretty sure this applies here (it's a complicated metaphor and we don't have time to explain).  It has come to our attention that the media at large has been using the fame of our brightest stars to generate clicks and garner shallow traffic on their sites. Despicable. These shimmering goddesses deserve better. They deserve to be treated with the awe and respect that their shimmery awesomeness deserves. And not have their perfect names sullied and cheapened by the greed of capitalism. It goes without saying that newspapers need to rediscover the lost values of decency, professionalism, and shivulry. Besides this, T-Swift might just shake it off and write a song about it, taking you and irony all the way to the bank - or credit union -...
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Bernie Madoff Almost Opted for Less Criminal ‘Fonzie Scheme’
10Jun By jeff11 Comments
U.S.

Bernie Madoff Almost Opted for Less Criminal ‘Fonzie Scheme’

NEW YORK — In a surprising series of revelations yesterday, former investment tycoon and current resident of Butner Prison, Bernie Madoff, admitted to the press that he came very close to not going through with his infamous Ponzi scheme back in the late 1970’s. We flew to North Carolina and spoke with him in person. “It was 1975,” Madoff said.  “Gerald Ford was president.  The Reds had just won the World Series.  And I was in love with two things: money and Arthur Fonzerelli.  You might say I had a choice to make.  But I guess you already know which one won out.” Apparently, Bernie Madoff, the man with high aspirations for even higher finance, was ready to give it all up and go on the road as an impersonator of the Fonze. “It was the perfect scheme.” Even a cursory glance fr...
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Study: Books Hinder Brain’s Capacity to Enjoy TV
7Jun By jeff22 Comments
Sci-Tech

Study: Books Hinder Brain’s Capacity to Enjoy TV

A new report released by the Television Scientists of America shows the often overlooked negative impact of reading on the fragile human brain and how it decreases its capacity to fully appreciate a wonder of the modern world: television (especially during the formative years of necessary Saturday morning cartoons). According to the study, television is the primary instrument by which a human's visual system--the thing that enables us to process visual detail (or in layman's terms, "see")--is maintained and kept in proper operation.  It goes on to state that if one fails to use this important part of the central nervous system, the end result is blindness.  Therefore, according to Science, if you don't watch TV you'll go blind. Their research further showed that those who read had ex...
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