Month: July 2017

Lavar Ball Claims he Would Crush The Mountain in One-on-One Combat
30Jul By jeff17 Comments
ENTMT, Sports

Lavar Ball Claims he Would Crush The Mountain in One-on-One Combat

  We just received a raven from the Citadel and it appears Lavar Ball of the House of Ball, first of his name, has thrown down the iron gauntlet (made specially from the Iron Isles) and demanded that Ser Gregor Clegane, The Mountain, of the House of Scare the Hell out of Everyone, leave the Red Keep at once and face him in open combat. This is not the first time we've heard grand boasts from the Lord of Ball Nation, and it certainly won't be the last.  Well maybe. "He's a big ole WUSSY!" Lord Ball exclaimed.  "Mount Wussy Wuss Face is his true name!  And it's time to make that mountain into a mole hill!" During this very ambitious and very long speech, one that men will surely sing about and women will one day teach to their children, Lord Ball expounded upon a litany of accomplis...
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Local Couch Potato Scientist Still Testing Law of Inertia
20Jul By jeff28 Comments
Sci-Tech

Local Couch Potato Scientist Still Testing Law of Inertia

Greg Chortleberger, a clever but wholly unknown armchair physicist, has recently dedicated his life to proving (or falsifying) one of the major aspects of Isaac Newton’s first law of inertia: Objects at rest tend to stay at rest until moved upon by an outside force. “I’ve basically been at rest for a long, long time now,” said Mr. Chortleberger, “And, yeah, I guess it’s getting easier–but I’m still skeptical.  I just don’t think we should take a word like “law” and throw it around all willy-nilly, you know?  Take gravity, for instance.  Gravity sure seems like a law but tell that to a bird.  Or helium.” His plan is to remain on his mom’s more than adequate leather sofa until he is satisfied with his results and convinced that the law has lived up to its name, and that no one has name...
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Scientifically Proven Ways to Tell if You’re Stupid
14Jul By jeff31 Comments
Sci-Tech

Scientifically Proven Ways to Tell if You’re Stupid

According to the Academic Scientists Society of America, there are ten scientifically proven ways to tell if you are a big fat dummy.  After extensive lab tests, brain scans, control groups, and internet surfing, the Society released its initial findings on their website (www.assofamerica.com).  The final report will be published in the Journal of American Idiots this fall. Here is the summation of their findings in an easy to remember top ten list: 1 - If your age is higher than your IQ 2 - If it took you a while to figure out the answer to number one 3 - If you thought the KKK was a Krispy Kreme Kampaign 4 - If you always wanted to visit the Sixteenth Chapel 5 - If you've ever said, "I'm literally LMAO right now!" 6 - If you finally heard Whitney Houston sing "I Will...
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DC and Marvel Villains Becoming Good Guys to Land Lucrative Ad Deals
12Jul By jeff25 Comments
ENTMT

DC and Marvel Villains Becoming Good Guys to Land Lucrative Ad Deals

It pays to be a good guy. On the heels of big time advertisement campaigns starring iconic superheroes like Spiderman, The Hulk, Superman, Iron Man, etc. the union officially representing the villains of DC and Marvel released the statement of the century yesterday. “In the interests of our clients, the DCU, MU, and the world at large, we–the ones callously labeled as ‘bad guys’–would like to announce our complete resignation (in perpetuity) from any and all evil plots, plans, schemes, etc. that would (directly or indirectly) cause the harm and/or destruction of the planet, humans, and…well…yeah, we guess superheroes, too.” This shocking announcement has left their respective universes reeling in disbelief and the response–from superheroes more than anyone–has been one of complete...
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Exclusive: Taylor Swift almost Added one more “Ever” to “Back Together” Chorus
8Jul By jeff15 Comments
ENTMT

Exclusive: Taylor Swift almost Added one more “Ever” to “Back Together” Chorus

Pop star and current self-revisionist, Taylor Swift, held an exclusive interview with Iron E! reporter, Ima Noyeen, at her apartment in New York (Swift's, not Ima's) and we're here to give you the inside scoop. Apparently, back in 2011, when she collaborated with Max Martin and Shellback on her hit song, "We are Never Getting Back Together", the lyrics weren't as easy to write as people once thought. "We went back and forth--when all three of us were writing this very personal song about my relationship Jake--and they were like, 'How do you feel about him?' and I was like, 'We are never getting back together' and they were like, 'That's gold--I mean, that's good'..." Ima, sensing there was more to the story, asked Taylor if there was more to the story. "Then, in the middle of everythin...
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Area Control Freak Reports OCD Under Control
7Jul By jeff12 Comments
Local Man

Area Control Freak Reports OCD Under Control

World-wide self-acclaimed blogger and self-published publisher/editor/writer/artist, Mark Krotzchety (pronounced “Krotzchety”), wants you to know that he’s finally got his nagging compulsions under control. Apparently, he’s organized everything into a master calendar. “That’s right,” Mark said. “No more spontaneous multiple hand-washings or spur-of-the-moment quadruple checking of appliances–if I’m gonna flip the light on and off ten times, it’s going in the planner.” “Unbelievable. Why didn’t I think of this before? If I wanna plan out my day, I plan that in advance. And if I want to plan out the pre-plan a bit? You got it–right in the planner. Oh, and any off-the-cuff planning parties? Just penciled in informally (any day between Tuesday and Thursday). I’m a whole person again!”...
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