NEW YORK—Bank of America Corp. launched its new and improved “honesty campaign” yesterday as part of a nationwide strategy to win back its soul.
To solidify their commitment to the campaign, lawyers for the worldwide entity have been commissioned to change the official name of the bank to Bend Over America.
Coinciding with this momentous achievement is BofA’s ingenious “Ram-You-In-The-Rear” Automated Teller Machine. Or, in the words of their new slogan: “Why lose your money when you can lose your dignity as well? Come bank with us!”
According to the designers of the original prototype, the customer, upon entering the ATM, receives his/her payment in “full” while images of corporate bigwigs laugh and dance on the screen in a fun, kaleidoscope of colors.
“Basically, we’re tired of lying to the customer,” reported BofA marketing strategist Cass Traitem. “No more candy-coating the obvious. Because the fact is, when you bank with us, you will be bent over both figuratively and literally.”
Though initially met with skepticism, the strategy is now being hailed by many as a major step in the right direction.
“I like a bank to tell it like it is,” said one customer. “At least they’re honest about cornholing me. It’s done right away and out in the open. I’d rather that than discover it happened years ago in one of their 500-page Updated Account Info documents that they know no one ever reads.”