Sci-Tech – Iron E-News

COVID Graph Takes Top Prize at Graph Awards

4May

By jeff42 Comments

Sci-Tech

COVID Graph Takes Top Prize at Graph Awards

The city of Shanghai was reeling yesterday upon hearing the news that it had taken the ultimate prize in science and mathematics: an International Graph Award. The reaction was immediate. And electric. People flung open their windows, shouting at the top of their lungs in wild jubilation; they hung gigantic banners and flags of 'graph' across millions of apartments throughout the merry metropolis. Children wore graph-adorned t-shirts and women flashed their graph bling all to show support and celebrate a much needed win for the city. Chants of 'Graph! Graph! Graph!' could be heard for miles and miles. "I just can't believe it," said one local resident through her tears, "We've wanted this for so long, and for it to happen this year (of all years), it's just too good to be tru...

Science Confirms Men and Women not the Same Under their Pants

5Feb

By jeff24 Comments

Sci-Tech

Science Confirms Men and Women not the Same Under their Pants

"It seems you have a penis, sir," confirms doctor. Men and women around the world are discovering their bodies are different...in the strangest of places. Billions of men are reporting one form of genitalia and billions of women are reporting something quite the opposite - and these two (what seem to be) puzzle pieces are leaving everyone puzzled. "I just never look down there," admitted college student Robbie Fernandez. "I mean, why would I? But let me tell you, when I did, I was seriously freaked out. I thought, 'THIS does not look normal'. I'm just lucky the doctor knew what it was." Robbie's local physician, Dr. Ido Noh, had his suspicions but did not want to make any hasty judgments. "When Mr. Fernandez came in and showed me, I have to say I wasn't 100 percent certain...

Local Couch Potato Scientist Still Testing Law of Inertia

20Jul

By jeff28 Comments

Sci-Tech

Local Couch Potato Scientist Still Testing Law of Inertia

Greg Chortleberger, a clever but wholly unknown armchair physicist, has recently dedicated his life to proving (or falsifying) one of the major aspects of Isaac Newton’s first law of inertia: Objects at rest tend to stay at rest until moved upon by an outside force. “I’ve basically been at rest for a long, long time now,” said Mr. Chortleberger, “And, yeah, I guess it’s getting easier–but I’m still skeptical. I just don’t think we should take a word like “law” and throw it around all willy-nilly, you know? Take gravity, for instance. Gravity sure seems like a law but tell that to a bird. Or helium.” His plan is to remain on his mom’s more than adequate leather sofa until he is satisfied with his results and convinced that the law has lived up to its name, and that no one has name...

Scientifically Proven Ways to Tell if You’re Stupid

14Jul

By jeff31 Comments

Sci-Tech

Scientifically Proven Ways to Tell if You’re Stupid

According to the Academic Scientists Society of America, there are ten scientifically proven ways to tell if you are a big fat dummy. After extensive lab tests, brain scans, control groups, and internet surfing, the Society released its initial findings on their website (www.assofamerica.com). The final report will be published in the Journal of American Idiots this fall. Here is the summation of their findings in an easy to remember top ten list: 1 - If your age is higher than your IQ 2 - If it took you a while to figure out the answer to number one 3 - If you thought the KKK was a Krispy Kreme Kampaign 4 - If you always wanted to visit the Sixteenth Chapel 5 - If you've ever said, "I'm literally LMAO right now!" 6 - If you finally heard Whitney Houston sing "I Will...

Study: Books Hinder Brain’s Capacity to Enjoy TV

7Jun

By jeff22 Comments

Sci-Tech

Study: Books Hinder Brain’s Capacity to Enjoy TV

A new report released by the Television Scientists of America shows the often overlooked negative impact of reading on the fragile human brain and how it decreases its capacity to fully appreciate a wonder of the modern world: television (especially during the formative years of necessary Saturday morning cartoons). According to the study, television is the primary instrument by which a human's visual system--the thing that enables us to process visual detail (or in layman's terms, "see")--is maintained and kept in proper operation. It goes on to state that if one fails to use this important part of the central nervous system, the end result is blindness. Therefore, according to Science, if you don't watch TV you'll go blind. Their research further showed that those who read had ex...

Socially Awkward Lab Rat Thankful for ‘Xanax Day’

1May

By jeff16 Comments

Sci-Tech

Socially Awkward Lab Rat Thankful for ‘Xanax Day’

It's Monday again, otherwise known as Xanax Day, and local lab specimen Ernie 13 is a rat reborn. "Xanaday Xanadu! I feel sooooo good right now," Ernie said with a big grin. "Man, I could go to like ten parties all at once. Yeah, ten parties wrapped in big fat party balls…balls…cheese balls...mmmmm, cheese." "Did you guys hear about the party tonieeeeeeeeeght?!" Ernie asked his fellow contained compadres. "There's no party Ernie," responded Raz 121. "Unless you consider a small rice wafer and electroshock a party, then yes, it's always a party in here." "Yooouuuu guys. You funny funny guys," Ernie went on with a wink (and a bit of redness) in his eye. "That's why I love hanging out with you guys so much - always with the laughs. Do you think Eve 2182 is going to make it ...