Dictators

Kim Jong Un’s New Book: Daddy–The Tenderer Moments
9Apr By jeff34 Comments
Dictators

Kim Jong Un’s New Book: Daddy–The Tenderer Moments

PYONGYANG—Recently, Iron E-News was given the rare chance to attend a very special and exclusive book signing in an exotic, distant, and oft misunderstood place: the residential palaces in the heart of the DPRK. Kim Jong Un, the son of the greatest example to dictators everywhere, officially released his first mini autobiography, and Iron E-News reporter Bev Jolt was there to tell the tale. “This book,” related the younger Kim, “Will surely put all other books to shame.  In fact, we are having a book burning next week.  You should come.  You will witness Father raise his tribute above the great flames as we all gaze on his shining, beneficent face until the knowledge of lesser mortals is nothing but ASHES AT HIS FEET!! AT! HIS! FEEEEEEEET!  AAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!” After thirt...
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Are You There Kim Jong Un? It’s Me, Donald
27Feb By Mike Chase34 Comments
Dictators, Politics

Are You There Kim Jong Un? It’s Me, Donald

"Dear Kim.  Can I call you Kim?  It's a girl's name.  Can I still call you that?  I'd like to call you that. My people have a problem.  Great people.  But people with problems.  The problem?  Fake News. CNN?  Garbage.  Fox News?  More like low calorie salad dressing.  The New York Times?  Quilt it, scent it, and make it double-ply... I still wouldn't use it as toilet paper. Breitbart?  Good people.  Good, good people.  I wanted to make Breitbart our exclusive news agency.  It'd just be me and some guy in a room.  He'd ask me questions about my golf handicap and my favorite color, and then we'd write the stories together.  I love cooperating with the press. But my people balked at that.  My own people.  I ask for loyalty and all I get is "no."  N-O. So I need a solution.  And...
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North Korea to Scrap Nukes on One Condition: “Give Us the Flappy Bird!”
12Feb By jeff26 Comments
Dictators

North Korea to Scrap Nukes on One Condition: “Give Us the Flappy Bird!”

In the middle of yesterday’s high-level talks between the two Koreas–a country at war with itself since the early 50s–the North issued a shocking reversal of policy regarding its ever-mounting nuclear program. Here is a rough translation of the official statement: “For the love of God, BRING BACK THE FLAPPING BIRDS!  We’ll disarm.  We’ll unify.  We’ll do whatever you want!  Just give us our precious little birdie back!” This reversal came on the heels of a decision by Vietnamese developer, Dong Nguyen, to pull the popular game from online app stores. It’s safe to say the reaction he got over his highly pixelated two-dimensional game was…unexpected. Pulling in upwards of 50,000 USD a day through ads and quickly rising to the number one spot in online stores, Flappy Bird took ...
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Bombs Interfere with Dictator Fashion Week
14Jun By jeff21 Comments
Dictators

Bombs Interfere with Dictator Fashion Week

TRIPOLI, LYBIA—With rumors swirling around the status of the highly anticipated SWAG FEST (Senior World Autocratic Gala and Fashion Event Spectacular in Tripoli) due to ill-timed popular uprisings and subsequent bombing by the West, Lybian leader and dictator debonair Mu’uamar Gaddafi told Iron E-News that the show, “must, and will, go on!” In his speech on opening day, surrounded by other leader/models such as King Hamad of Bahrain, Islam Karimov of Uzbekistan, Gurbanguly Berdymuhammedov of Turkmenistan, Ali Zadari of Pakistan, and President Saleh of Yemen, Gadhafi celebrated the show’s life and resilience through the best and worst of times. “When Ben-ali and Mubarak cancelled at the last moment, I was afraid we were going to have to postpone. But after receiving so much opposition...
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President Chavez Recovering “Like a Condor!” and More
12Jun By jeff14 Comments
Dictators

President Chavez Recovering “Like a Condor!” and More

CARACAS–Enigmatic President of Venezuela Hugo Chavez has been recovering at an alarmingly fast pace, and the doctors said that he should be back to “soaring with the condors” very soon. When Iron E-News correspondent Bev Jolt interviewed the president, she was surprised as anyone to find him in this revitalized (and poetic) state. He talked little about his condition but was very eager to share about his renewed life vision–how even the most menial tasks put him in oneness with “our brothers in the animal kingdom.” “I just got a coke like a raccoon,” revealed an ecstatic Chavez.  “And before that I peed like a racehorse.  Yes, I know many people use that expression, but they use it flippantly and are never one with the racehorse while they urinate–it’s simply horse pee to them and...
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