Late last night, a local husband–known to his friends as probably the kindest and most patient man to ever live–was overheard sharing his pain over a pint at Joe’s Tavern.
“Man, my old lady. She really, really has an exaggeration problem,” he admitted. “I mean, seriously. She’s probably the worst exaggerator in the universe. Or is it ‘best’ exaggerator? Whatever. I do something wrong ONE time and it suddenly becomes every time. “Oh Barney, he never puts the toilet seat down!’ or ‘Oh, Barney, he always criticizes me.’ or ‘That Barney, he always leaves his toenails on my pillow.’”
“Mmhmm,” his friends murmured in agreement.
“You know those–what are they called?–those hyperbole words? You know what I’m talking about: always, usually…”
“You mean frequency words?” one friend asked.
“Yeah those ones,” Barney responded, not really wanting to be corrected but continuing his story anyway. “Well, she sure has the ‘always’ and ‘never’ down pat.”
“How often does she use them?” the waitress asked, knowing her irony would be lost on the table.
“Always, as a matter of fact,” Barney replied, eyeing her suspiciously. “But is it too much for a husband to ask for a ‘sometimes’ every now and then or maybe even a ‘usually’? Is that too much to ask, Wen-dee (overemphasizing her name)?!”
To which she answered by rolling her eyes and walking away.