McRegret is a very real thing
McDonald’s CEO, Steve Easterbrook, held a press conference yesterday to finally acknowledge a condition that millions and millions of customers around the globe have had to struggle with for years, sometimes decades:
Following mounting pressure from the FDA as well as a few civil lawsuits they were facing, the company decided to get ahead of the story and come clean.
“We at McDonald’s Co. officially recognize what has been confirmed by the American Medical Association and the FDA as a very serious emotional condition–similar to PTSD–that has affected countless numbers of Double and Triple cheeseburger-eaters across our shared planet. And we would like to express our sympathies by giving every customer a free Super Size of Shame on their next visit.”
Mr. Easterbrook also revealed that counseling sessions from Ronald McDonalds at every store location were available to any who were interested and needed a yellow and red-striped shoulder to cry on.
“I’m very sympathetic,” Mr. McDonald shared. “The smile may be painted on my face, which may be off-putting in a counseling setting, but I think customers will come to find out that McD’s is all heart–a Big Mac burger eating clown heart (that you can rest on and even nibble at from time to time if you get hungry after you’re finished crying).”
In addition, McDonald’s is unveiling McRegret food options to encourage a new wave of honest advertising and help improve public perception.
“We now offer a McGuilt, McRegret, and even a towering McDepressed that can all come with a side of McPity fries,” Easterbrook said proudly.
*Latest: The FDA has just released a new drug, McRemorsadone, which is available at your local pharmacy.