LAPD Detective Scott Turner and his K-9 partner, Hooch, have allayed the fears of the public mind by confirming that Richard Simmons, comedian and health fitness guru, is indeed alive and well.
Police Chief Daryl Gates, former Police Academy instructor, told Iron E! Gossip that officers went to check on Mr. Simmons after it was rumored that he had been kidnapped by a silver DeLorean.
“There is no need to worry,” Chief Gates said. “Mr. Simmons is still in his extremely short shorts and rainbow tank top, listening to the Fame soundtrack on repeat.”
The police, after hearing reports of a possible kidnapping, initially thought they may have to bring in their new crime-eradicating cyborg to save Mr. Simmons; they eventually decided against it, declaring mega-corporations like Omni Consumer Products to be a more immediate threat.
Upon hearing that the Sweatin’ to the Oldies star was okay, millions of people wrote in to express their gratitude and relief–including one fan from D.C.
“It gladdens me to no end to know that Mr. Simmons is alright,” President Reagan offered. “He’s a happy ray of sunshine to so many people.”
Mr. Simmons has asked Iron E! to pass along a message for him to all his wonderful fans, as well as a few of his favorite songs. The mix tape will be available sometime this summer.