Brooke Eliot

Jeff Sessions Impersonator Arrested for Public Nudity

18Feb

By Brooke Eliot28 Comments

Politics

Jeff Sessions Impersonator Arrested for Public Nudity

Jeff Sessions impersonator, Timothy Vetts, was arrested at Shady Oaks Retirement Village for public nudity in Bethesda, Maryland this past weekend. Vetts was reported to be “meandering the neighborhood" with the words “No Pot” written in green sharpie across his back. The incident left witnesses confused. “You mean that wasn’t actually Jeff Sessions? He looked just like Jeff Sessions!” says community member, Mavis Bell. “Sessions shows his ass all the time as Attorney General so I thought this fit the bill. Especially with that "no pot" thing, give me a break! You haven't lived unless you have lit up a old J and watched Jerry Garcia twiddle those beautiful hands all over a Stratocaster”. Meredith Lynch, resident pet hoarder, also didn’t know exactly what to make of what she saw. ...

Local Man Saves Commute by Keeping his Knees at a Normal Distance

Local commuter, Glenn Bekk--not to be confused with Glenn Beck, the conservative radio personality--has been deemed a hero this week as he publicly grasped the concept of “Man Spread”. The heroic effort took place at rush hour, Monday morning. Commuters were astonished to see the effort put into the deed itself. “It was magical,” said one female commuter. “He saw that I was sitting next to him, and he actually gave me the room to exist; I could not be believe it!” Neither could her pet Chihuahua, Mrs. Kernal, who yipped and jumped during the whole interview. An MTA worker who witnessed the event, watched in disbelief. “It's one of those stories that you hear about by the water cooler, but to actually be there - right in the action - man, what an experience,” he stated. “It's almost as i...

Local Man has been Lying about Gluten Allergy the Whole Time

Local resident and accountant, Barry Bishop, has been accused this week of lying about his severe gluten allergy. The incident took place at his neighbor’s Sunday night football party, where Barry was seen consuming large amounts of Bud Light and pepperoni pizza. Based off his previous allergy claims, attendees were horrified to see Mr. Bishop partaking in such reckless behavior. “I am shocked,” said one dismayed neighbor. ”I have seen him keel over in pain from just looking at a muffin - I don’t know what to feel anymore.” In a form of protest, she recently made a picket sign, depicting Mr. Bishop’s face superimposed onto a piece of bread. “I make signs to cope with my pain - this experience is no exception.” Host of the party, Melvin Cartwright, shed some light on the depravity. “I bo...