Local Man – Page 2 – Iron E-News

Area Control Freak Reports OCD Under Control

7Jul

By jeff12 Comments

Local Man

Area Control Freak Reports OCD Under Control

World-wide self-acclaimed blogger and self-published publisher/editor/writer/artist, Mark Krotzchety (pronounced “Krotzchety”), wants you to know that he’s finally got his nagging compulsions under control. Apparently, he’s organized everything into a master calendar. “That’s right,” Mark said. “No more spontaneous multiple hand-washings or spur-of-the-moment quadruple checking of appliances–if I’m gonna flip the light on and off ten times, it’s going in the planner.” “Unbelievable. Why didn’t I think of this before? If I wanna plan out my day, I plan that in advance. And if I want to plan out the pre-plan a bit? You got it–right in the planner. Oh, and any off-the-cuff planning parties? Just penciled in informally (any day between Tuesday and Thursday). I’m a whole person again!”...

25Jun

By jeff25 Comments

Local Man

Local Introvert Mistaken for Asshole

Area anti-socialite, Phil Koff, was wandering down the aisle of his local grocery store--minding his own quiet business--when he spotted a first-time acquaintance, Cher Tumuch, approaching ominously from the other direction. Though Mr. Koff did his best to hide his entire body behind a bevy of pineapples, Ms. Tumuch had already seen him. It was his next action that was sadly misinterpreted for plain assholery. "To me and my fellow introverts," Phil offered candidly, "turning and walking brusquely the other way as if I had just felt the onset of diarrhea was a very normal thing to do. We (Cher and I) had literally just met the other day. It wasn't even as if she were a long time acquaintance or one of my wife's innumerable friends." "I know he saw me!" Ms. Tumuch said at a higher vol...

Man Prefers to Inwardly Like Facebook Posts

28Apr

By jeff19 Comments

Local Man

Man Prefers to Inwardly Like Facebook Posts

Area man, Pat Myas, is a lover of all things Facebook, but his friends on the popular social media site would never know it. According to our sources, Pat has the "annoying" habit of secretly enjoying the things he sees and reads without actually clicking the "like" button. "It's true," revealed one of his friends. "I talked to him the other day and he started going on and on about how he really, really liked something I posted on my timeline. When I confronted him about why he didn't click on the 'like' button he tried to engage in an existential discussion on the increasingly dichotomous nature of our reality! What an asshole." Esteemed internet sociologist, Dr. Harvard Browneye, wrote his doctoral thesis on the subject of Facebook likes and offered valuable insight into such behav...

Area Procrastinator Tells Boss he Works Best Under Time Constraints

17Apr

By jeff24 Comments

Local Man

Area Procrastinator Tells Boss he Works Best Under Time Constraints

Mort Feebly, assistant manager at Supplies Surprise, is a man who has explored all the subtleties and nuances of the motto: “Work smarter, not harder.” So, when his boss and sometimes friend, Herbert Sherbert, told the store about an opportunity in corporate, Mort didn’t miss a beat—he put it off until tomorrow. We caught up with him at one of his many stopovers to Krispy Kreme and asked him why he wasn’t busy streamlining his inventory for tomorrow’s visit from corporate. “Let me put it this way: I don’t feel my skill-set is being fully appreciated. I’ve been looking for a way to show those suits what I can really do under pressure. Some people call it procrastination, but I’m more of a “glass is half full” kind of guy—I call it being ‘clutch’.” Later, we had a chance to sit d...

5Apr

By jeff14 Comments

Local Man, Religion

Local Man Gives Up Lent for Lent

The religious observance of fasting and prayer known as Lent, which began on Wednesday, March 1 and ends Thursday, April 13, is quickly coming to a close. Observed by many branches of the Christian faithful--from Anglican to Catholic to Lutheran to Methodist and even some Evangelicals--this event is traditionally a time of sacrifice or abstention. That's why this year for Lent, local man, Willy Nihly, is abstaining from Lent. "I felt the best way to observe Lent was to give it up," Willy offered. "I mean, what better way to sacrifice than to sacrifice sacrifice? Or, if I can say it this way, what better way to give up things than to give up giving things up?" This is Willy's twentieth time participating so this year of observing non-observance has presented a unique set of ch...

Local Man Pretty Sure He has Telekenesis

30Mar

By jeff12 Comments

Local Man

Local Man Pretty Sure He has Telekenesis

"This is not glued to my head, as some of you may think." Harold Crumbs, also known as Voldvaderon to millions of online gamers, is 98 percent sure he can move things with his brain. It all started when he was young and he noticed that the second hand on the clock on his bedroom dresser only moved when he was looking at it. When he saw this, something awoke inside of him. "In that moment," recounted Mr. Crumbs. "I knew my life would never be the same. It was then and there I decided I would only reveal my power when the time was right." Not counting the millions of times he has bent his own fingers even while thinking, "Don't bend your fingers," Harold has successfully closed a door, melted ice, and made a candle flicker over and over--all with the power of his mind (and all o...