Society – Page 10 – Iron E-News

How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People

28Feb

By jeff26 Comments

Internets

How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People

1. Send gaming invites every day. This is probably the most crucial aspect of getting (and keeping) friends. Candy Crush invitations let people know that you care. 2. Keep an up-to-date stream of selfie pics so that people know you haven’t changed in the last hour. 3. Fill your news feed with cliches and quotes that you pulled from rainbow cat posters - "Today is better than yesterday because you’re in it”. 4. Fill your newsfeed with rainbow cat posters. 6. Use your update status as your own personal diary – no little tidbit, random thought, or seemingly inane event should be left out. 7. Keep internet jokes alive during that lull period – you know, when they’re not funny anymore. Because when they’re finally funny again in a year or two, you can say you were ahead of...

Study: 98% of Internet Users Admit ROFL just a LOL

27Feb

By jeff27 Comments

Internets

Study: 98% of Internet Users Admit ROFL just a LOL

A new study was released last week detailing various online practices of users across our interconnected globe. Needless to say, some appalling facts have come to light. Apparently, the vast majority of web surfers suffer from something called lying. Basically, those who use internet slang as a form of communicating emotion are doing so superfluously, haphazardly, and, for the most part, under false pretenses. The data showed that seventy-five percent of the time LOL is used, the perpetrators are simply grinning while typing. Even more disturbing is the revelation that ninety-eight to ninety-nine percent of the time the user claims that something is so funny they are literally rolling on the ground in hysterics–you guessed it–they are still in their chair or on their bed. “We ...

Google Apologizes for Inserting Creepy Subliminal Message in Name

22Feb

By jeff43 Comments

Internets

Google Apologizes for Inserting Creepy Subliminal Message in Name

MOUNTAINVIEW, CA–Larry Page, co-founder and CEO of the mammoth search engine known to the world as Google, released a shocking admission and subsequent apology yesterday for intentionally placing harmful subliminal messages into the name of his informational superhighway. It appears that the name Google was chosen simply because it contained the suggestion, “Go ogle”. And though, initially, he had gone back and forth between “Awkwardgoggles” and “Peepers” he eventually went with the former because of its subtlety. “I am grieved at my own sophomoric actions,” revealed Page. “And I bear full responsibility for the millions and millions of oglers out there ogling both day and night, completely unaware of the message planted under the threshold of their conscious perception.” Not...

Hipster Loses Non-prescription Glasses–World Observes Moment of Silence

22Feb

By jeff13 Comments

Society

Hipster Loses Non-prescription Glasses–World Observes Moment of Silence

Arthur Oscar Ramone IX lost his glasses yesterday. And a choir of baby angels wept over his surprisingly strong plaid shoulders, whimpering and cooing like doves in the unseen background. They cried for him. They cried for beauty. They cried in harmony. The night started out like any other. He rode his one-speed Redline down to Viva La Vegan to grab a pack of PBR, and caught up with some homies along the way. “Sup brah!” “Waaasup brahski!” “You read the Communist Manifesto last night?” “Twice.” “In Russian?” “Da.” “Spot me a Spirit?” “Nah, roll my own now. Homegrown.” “Sweet. Recycled paper?” “Twice.” “Sick. Wanna watch some Bujalski with us tonight?” “Mumblecore!” And as he drank in the warm night–with all its starlit conversation–he thoug...

15Feb

By jeff18 Comments

Internets, Local Man

Area Man’s Social Life not as Impressive as Facebook Page Suggests

To the untrained eye, Brit Crinkler’s profile page on the number one social networking site in the world comes across as not only impressive but, as some might say, bordering on showy. One of the woman editors of this paper, upon viewing the young man’s profile, likened it to drinking a Grey Goose martini straight out of Sean Connery’s mouth. But the results are in Mr. Crinkler—the veil has been removed, if you will—and it doesn’t look good. According to the younger brother Ty, there is an alarming disparity between Brit’s actual number of friends in real life and the number listed on his page. Apparently, Brit claims to have upwards of 1,250 friends; and somehow the rest of the world has believed him for over five years. At first glance, this seems to qualify him for some sort of Gui...

More and More Extroverts Admitting they have a Problem

11Feb

By jeff19 Comments

Society

More and More Extroverts Admitting they have a Problem

The science is in: Extroversion is a social disorder. To be more specific, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders now lists extraversion as ‘Social Annoyance Disorder’, which affects 1 out of 3 seemingly healthy adults in some way. The American Psychiatric Association (all introverts by the way), in tandem with the World Health Organization, published a detailed report chronicling the systematic harassment and general social abuse of introverts by extroverts, concluding that the excessive need or desire to sap the emotional energy of others was really a sort of social vampirism which was, at the least, bothersome, and at worst, dangerous to society. “Extroverts just need a big, wet existential blanket thrown over their faces every day,” one doctor recommended. “Which...