Celebrity Relationships now Measured in Dog Years

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Celebrity relationships are best held to a different standard – not to say that it should necessarily be lower, per se, just different.  Since it’s been well-established that celebrities are not normal human beings, but heavenly bodies, they shouldn’t be held to regular, boring conceptions of love and commitment.

By common standards, a long relationship is anywhere between 20 and 30 years.  By celebrity standards, however, a long-term commitment can be anywhere between one and five (months).  If a celebrity couple makes it past an inconceivable ten years, it leaves them open to criticism as to whether they were truly a celebrity, which would be far worse than if they were to break off the relationship.

Think of it this way: we would never expect a puppy to live past 15 full years, so why should we expect the puppy love of a Hollywood romance to live longer than it does?

Because of this, we offer a new, more appropriate, lens by which to view star-lit relationships:

The Honeymoon Period (normally around 6 months to a year): 1 hour

The Adjustment Phase (1 to 2 years): 1 day

The Escape Phase (5 to 7 years): 1 month

The Reassessment Period (10 years): 1 year

The Growing Together Stage (15 years): Year 2

The Mid-life Strife Stage (20 years): Years 3-4

The Golden Ages (50+): 5 to 10 years

Biebs and Nicole Peltz enjoyed a committed Honeymoon Period
Kendall Jenner and Jordan Clarkson successfully made it to the Escape Phase
Selena Gomez and The Weeknd worked hard to reach the Reassessment Period
Depending on how you’re counting, Rihanna and Drake were committed to each other, themselves, and others all the way up to the Golden Ages

*These few faithful examples are enough to highlight the new standard, but not nearly enough to highlight our years and years of committed research (though I wouldn’t say we’re married to it).

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