Greg Chortleberger, a clever but wholly unknown armchair physicist, has recently dedicated his life to proving (or falsifying) one of the major aspects of Isaac Newton’s first law of inertia: Objects at rest tend to stay at rest until moved upon by an outside force.
“I’ve basically been at rest for a long, long time now,” said Mr. Chortleberger, “And, yeah, I guess it’s getting easier–but I’m still skeptical. I just don’t think we should take a word like “law” and throw it around all willy-nilly, you know? Take gravity, for instance. Gravity sure seems like a law but tell that to a bird. Or helium.”
His plan is to remain on his mom’s more than adequate leather sofa until he is satisfied with his results and convinced that the law has lived up to its name, and that no one has named it such prematurely.
“You can never be too sure or too careful,” Chortleburger informed us. “As we all know, science is like an unchaste woman. Who knows what she’s gonna do next? But whether she comes back home or not, you can bet I’m not moving from this couch.”
According to Mr. Chortleberger, he stumbled on this idea while googling the term “newton” on the internet. You can imagine how surprised he was to find that the name of his favorite snack was shared by an eminent scientist called Sir Isaac Newton. And as he ate his cherry fig newtons, that’s when the proverbial apple hit him on the head. And he knew his life would never be the same.
“Well, yes, practically speaking, nothing has really changed,” admitted Chortleberger. “But existentially and scientifically, I’m a man reborn! And my dad said my life would never amount to anything. Ha!”
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