FDA Approves New ‘Kylosil’–Stops Insomnia by Stopping your Heart

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The Food and Drug Administration has issued their approval for a radical new medication that comprehensively solves the sleep disorder known as insomnia.  Incidentally, it has also helped solve a number of other unforeseen issues – one being the need to ever to wake up again.

Initial tests of the drug on human subjects have shown an unprecedented 100% success rate as the subjects have each enjoyed a very, very long rest.

According to inside sources, they are still out cold.

“Man, this drug really works,” a test subject’s spouse offered enthusiastically.  “After taking one pill, my Tim was sleeping like an angel.  And nothing could wake him up either.  We’re finally gonna get our beauty sleep.”

Eli Lilly and Company, the company who also manufactures Secobarbital, has begun ramping up production of Kylosil in all 125 countries where its products are sold.  Though optimism for the drug is currently at an all-time high, there was a cloud of skepticism and doubt during the early stages of animal testing.

Apparently, most of the animals were showing a number of extreme side effects:

Sleeplessness

Jimmy legs

Depression

Hallucinations

Increased gambling or sexual urges

Trouble swallowing

Disturbing inner monologues

Coma

Oily discharge

Decreased sperm count

Increased sperm count

Flatulence

And a strong urge to punch Andy Richter in the face

“Fortunately, they got all of the kinks worked out,” revealed Dr. Robert Califf, the current commissioner of the FDA.  “If you are looking to be put to, excuse me, looking to finally get some sleep, then this is the drug for you.”

Kylosil: So you can Rest in Peace

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jeff

Teacher. Human. Procrastinator. Pulizer prize winner (not the same as Pulitzer but better). Probably the most humble person on the planet right now.


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