Kim Jong Un’s New Book: Daddy–The Tenderer Moments

PYONGYANG—Recently, Iron E-News was given the rare chance to attend a very special and exclusive book signing in an exotic, distant, and oft misunderstood place: the residential palaces in the heart of the DPRK.

Kim Jong Un, the son of the greatest example to dictators everywhere, officially released his first mini autobiography, and Iron E-News reporter Bev Jolt was there to tell the tale.

“This book,” related the younger Kim, “Will surely put all other books to shame.  In fact, we are having a book burning next week.  You should come.  You will witness Father raise his tribute above the great flames as we all gaze on his shining, beneficent face until the knowledge of lesser mortals is nothing but ASHES AT HIS FEET!! AT! HIS! FEEEEEEEET!  AAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!”

After thirty minutes of this, Jong Un got back on track and began to touch on a few of the tenderer moments in his life with The Dear Leader.

“Well, the time Dad took me to my first public execution is definitely at the top of my list.  We sat together in the warm sun, laughed, and had the best kimchi on the planet.  The spice was just right—not too spicy but still spicy.  You know what I’m talking about.  Now that was a day to remember.”

“And how could I forget the day Father’s power and might over the puny nations of the earth was unveiled in the form of a high-tech ballistic missile called the T2 (great movie by the way)—it was then that I realized that I never knew my Father (or he me) until that day.  The head nod he gave me was more than just a signal for me to cut the ribbon—in my mind it signaled the start of a new friendship and a new era in my life.  And I knew that (now don’t repeat this or he could come back and kill me) behind those dark sunglasses his eyes were tearing up as much as mine.”

“And then there were all those memorable trips.  Trips to the underground prisons, the above ground prisons, the house prisons, the dungeon prisons, the prisons for the mentally unstable, the prisons for the sane, prisons for traitors, fools, boring people, people whose faces we get tired of looking at, prisons for the old, the sick, the lame, the poor, the homeless, the orphaned, the widowed, the mediocre, the creative, and my personal favorite—the prison for thought criminals!”

This unique glimpse into the life of a dictator-dad through the perspective of an adoring son–already being placed alongside the greater works of history–will surely be remembered as one of the tenderest in a long, long while.

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