Report: Swamp Butt on the Rise in Texas and Much of the South

Last night, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a report informing the nation of the terrible, reoccurring health and safety issue known as “Swamp Butt”.

SB, which generally coincides with excessively warm summers, is a condition in which one’s butt crack takes on a life of its own and becomes a steaming, wet, inhospitable marsh of death. Although not contagious per se, it is very unpredictable and extremely difficult to manage once symptoms present themselves.

“The situation is quickly becoming widespread,” reported one CDC agent rather gravely. “And honestly, it’s a considerable risk to, well, to anyone who’s not blind. Just to warn you, anyone within a 20 yard radius may be in danger—not of catching it, no—of just being really, really grossed out.”

Iron E-News sent investigative journalist, Bev Jolt, to analyze the situation on the ground and, in general, assess asses.

“Constarnit! That’s rank!” exclaimed north Texas resident Bubba Q. Graille outside a local Wal-Mart. “That thair ‘as gotta be the wurst swamp-ass I’ve ever had in myyy life!”

The CDC went on to issue a warning telling all residents in hot and humid areas to be cautious when going outside for extended periods of time and even posted a few preventative measures on their website:

-Wear two or three pairs of underwear to soak up any unwanted sweat.

-Adopt more of an Eastern style and opt for adult-sized splitty pants for that nice, breezy feel.

-If number 2 is not an option, walk around completely naked so as to avoid any awkward sweat lines.

-Acquire the CDC’s field-tested “Spongewear” (or sponge underwear) and be as comfortable as the professionals.

-Carry around a spray bottle to spray those annoying non-sweaty butts so you’re not the only one feeling self-conscious.

Though impossible to prevent entirely, the CDC, working in conjunction with local health departments, hopes to stem the spread of these cases significantly. If you see or happen to encounter someone with a serious case of Swamp Butt, please contact your local health department immediately.