facebook – Iron E-News

Man Prefers to Inwardly Like Facebook Posts

28Apr

By jeff19 Comments

Local Man

Man Prefers to Inwardly Like Facebook Posts

Area man, Pat Myas, is a lover of all things Facebook, but his friends on the popular social media site would never know it. According to our sources, Pat has the "annoying" habit of secretly enjoying the things he sees and reads without actually clicking the "like" button. "It's true," revealed one of his friends. "I talked to him the other day and he started going on and on about how he really, really liked something I posted on my timeline. When I confronted him about why he didn't click on the 'like' button he tried to engage in an existential discussion on the increasingly dichotomous nature of our reality! What an asshole." Esteemed internet sociologist, Dr. Harvard Browneye, wrote his doctoral thesis on the subject of Facebook likes and offered valuable insight into such behav...

Doctors Recommending 3 Selfies a Day to Combat ‘Failed Existence Syndrome’

5Mar

By jeff21 Comments

Society

Doctors Recommending 3 Selfies a Day to Combat ‘Failed Existence Syndrome’

“A selfie can make you feel like you’re somebody” – Dr. Sal Phee Are you sad? All the time? Do you constantly wish you were someone else? Someone who is as happy as the people you see on TV? You might have a classic case of what doctors call “failed existence syndrome.” And although it’s true you will never be any of the extremely successful, popular, wealthy, beloved, beautiful, clean, fragrant, dentally perfect A-listers, you can still have a small piece of their eternal happiness. A very very very…very small piece. “A sliver of stardom is still stardom, is it not?” Dr. Sal Phee posed rhetorically. “Everyday people like you and me could never have all the happiness that celebrities possess. But if we can somehow mimic their lifestyle and actions in a small way then we can at least...

How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People

28Feb

By jeff26 Comments

Internets

How to Win Facebook Friends and Influence Virtual People

1. Send gaming invites every day. This is probably the most crucial aspect of getting (and keeping) friends. Candy Crush invitations let people know that you care. 2. Keep an up-to-date stream of selfie pics so that people know you haven’t changed in the last hour. 3. Fill your news feed with cliches and quotes that you pulled from rainbow cat posters - "Today is better than yesterday because you’re in it”. 4. Fill your newsfeed with rainbow cat posters. 6. Use your update status as your own personal diary – no little tidbit, random thought, or seemingly inane event should be left out. 7. Keep internet jokes alive during that lull period – you know, when they’re not funny anymore. Because when they’re finally funny again in a year or two, you can say you were ahead of...

15Feb

By jeff18 Comments

Internets, Local Man

Area Man’s Social Life not as Impressive as Facebook Page Suggests

To the untrained eye, Brit Crinkler’s profile page on the number one social networking site in the world comes across as not only impressive but, as some might say, bordering on showy. One of the woman editors of this paper, upon viewing the young man’s profile, likened it to drinking a Grey Goose martini straight out of Sean Connery’s mouth. But the results are in Mr. Crinkler—the veil has been removed, if you will—and it doesn’t look good. According to the younger brother Ty, there is an alarming disparity between Brit’s actual number of friends in real life and the number listed on his page. Apparently, Brit claims to have upwards of 1,250 friends; and somehow the rest of the world has believed him for over five years. At first glance, this seems to qualify him for some sort of Gui...

Ahmadinejad Creates Fascistbook–The Cure for the Lonely Dictator

1Apr

By jeff3 Comments

Dictators

Ahmadinejad Creates Fascistbook–The Cure for the Lonely Dictator

TEHRAN, IRAN – For Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, life as a dictator is starting to take its toll. His answer: FASCISTBOOK. It is quickly becoming a hit with autocrats everywhere. "I love it," Putin put in. "It's almost as beautiful as my body. Almost." In an extremely candid and colorful interview with Iron E-News, the Iranian leader showed us his vulnerable side and talked about how his important position and responsibilities have not come without their costs. “Being a beloved despot is not as easy or glamorous as some might think,” Ahmadinejad revealed. “There are too few leaders who can relate, you know—who do what I do day in and day out. Honestly, it’s lonely at the top of tyranny.” So Mahmoud, while working with Microsoft on his latest censorship programs, created an innovativ...