satire news – Iron E-News

Kid would have Totally Beaten the Entire Game if it hadn’t Cheated

22Aug

By jeff15 Comments

Society

Kid would have Totally Beaten the Entire Game if it hadn’t Cheated

Little Bobby Clump got all the way to the last level of his favorite video game the other day when it happened again. "I was at the big brain!" Bobby exclaimed to his mother as she unloaded the groceries from the car. "At the BRAIN!" he shouted, enunciating the word "brain" so the significance wouldn't be lost on her. "Bobby, I don't know what you're talking about," replied his woefully ignorant mother, sadly detached and uninformed about the great evils that he had been trying to defeat and the incomparable skill that it takes to defeat them. "That stupid game! It cheats!" he yelled at his brother, Timmy, who nodded sympathetically, knowing exactly what his older, wiser brother was talking about. Timmy, feeling a wave of commiseration, spent the next twenty minutes explainin...

All Conspiracies come from Russian Bots, Credible Online Source Reveals

21Aug

By jeff20 Comments

World

All Conspiracies come from Russian Bots, Credible Online Source Reveals

According to a credible online source, every modern-day conspiracy since the late 1960s originated from bots whose location has been traced to somewhere deep inside the Kremlin. Various theories from chemtrails used as biological warfare (AKA Secret Large-scale Atmospheric Program) to 9/11 being faked to the idea that there is only one yawn in the world which is simply being passed around, have apparently all come from the same source: Russian bots. These programs, codenamed "Matryoshkas" have remained undetectable for decades. By placing a tiny piece of code inside of a slightly larger piece of code inside of a larger string of code, they made them almost impossible to find. The report goes on to reveal that these digital agitators were initially developed, not by the Russians,...

Man Watching Sports Match thinks he Could Easily do that Too if he Tried

20Aug

By jeff15 Comments

Sports

Man Watching Sports Match thinks he Could Easily do that Too if he Tried

Richard Head stumbled on a football match last Saturday and was fairly unimpressed. "Meh," he said to himself as he grabbed another beer. "I could do that." His longtime girlfriend, Emily, nodded and said, "Mhmm." "Please," he rebutted, "run around and kick a ball into a huge net? Easy." Richard recalled his early days when he was strong, coordinated, and 20 years younger. He dominated neighborhood pickup games and was consistently called "fairly athletic for his size" by multiple people. "Hey, I played in college, remember?" he continued, disturbed by Emily's skepticism. "You played DURING college, Richard," she replied. "Playing on a men's team while you were in college is not the same as playing collegiate sports. There's a huge difference. And now you're saying you...

19Aug

By jeff24 Comments

Society

Elderly Woman Recalls what a Book Was

A dim light from the kitchen flickers occasionally as she adjusts herself on an old rocking chair. She takes something from the table and blows the dust off. She says it’s a book. It has a hard cover and is filled with paper, apparently bound together so you can flip through it. Hm. We try swiping the front of it with two fingers but nothing happens. “I remember when I was four years old,” she says, then pauses for an eternity. We thought she might have…yep, she fell asleep. We glance at each other then lift the book in front of her face to try and access it that way but no joy. We let the object fall onto the table so it makes a loud thud. “I remember when I was four years old,” she says again, as if nothing had happened. “I got that book for my birthday.” Our min...

COVID Graph Takes Top Prize at Graph Awards

4May

By jeff42 Comments

Sci-Tech

COVID Graph Takes Top Prize at Graph Awards

The city of Shanghai was reeling yesterday upon hearing the news that it had taken the ultimate prize in science and mathematics: an International Graph Award. The reaction was immediate. And electric. People flung open their windows, shouting at the top of their lungs in wild jubilation; they hung gigantic banners and flags of 'graph' across millions of apartments throughout the merry metropolis. Children wore graph-adorned t-shirts and women flashed their graph bling all to show support and celebrate a much needed win for the city. Chants of 'Graph! Graph! Graph!' could be heard for miles and miles. "I just can't believe it," said one local resident through her tears, "We've wanted this for so long, and for it to happen this year (of all years), it's just too good to be tru...

The Obligatory Star Wars Traffic Boosting Article

4May

By jeff36 Comments

ENTMT

The Obligatory Star Wars Traffic Boosting Article

The Last Jedi Star Wars stuff and a little Skywalker too. Some Han Solo, Sand Peeps, and tiny Ewoks totally. Very, very lightsabery battle with a hint of dark side, splash of force, stirred in a Tatooine Vadershake. Yeah, my Star Wars brings all the Lukes to the yard. By my death star, fat Jabba Jabba no talkie talkie to a thousand Jedi masters. Kick back to the jet black double Maul high five to my Jedi blaster…he's a wicked tricky tricksta, yeah the prickly, sickly pimpstah: Yo-duh. Rogue One Star Wars stuff and a little Lukey Luke too. Some Han Solo, Sand Peeps, and tiny Ewoks maybe. Very, very lightsabery battle with a hint of dark side, splash of force, stirred in a Tatooine Vadershake. Yeah, my Star Wars brings all the Wookies to the yard. B...