How to Make Yourself Feel Better if You’re Self-Published
In case your only way to self-help has been self-medication, here are a few other ways to feel better about yourself if you are self-published:
Burn everything you've ever written and don't ever mention your writing to anyone ever again. Ever.
When telling people you're self-published, always mumble the word "self" and say the published part really loudly. And then go right into how you hate your editor and all the changes you have to endure. You won't be lying when you say this because people who are self-published are generally their own editors. Then walk away abruptly so they don't have a chance to ask you any other questions (this will help build your persona).
Leave out the word "self" altogether. This also won't be a lie because you are published in some sens...