A shocking new study conducted by the University of BFE in Tallasasaquatchaheely, TX shows that only 10% of Southerners are as stupid as Northerners think–or as Northern teachers tell students in history classes.
It turns out that 90% of Southerners do not: 1) Have sex with their cousins or other family members, 2) Think all people that are not white should be slaves or die, 3) Have more than one abandoned vehicle on their properties, 4) Eat only potatoes and pig fat, 5) Wear overalls, 6) Spend most of their time chewing tobacco, or 7) Have rebel flags.
Additionally, 90% of Southerners do: 1) Clean their feet, 2) Have running water, and 3) Pass the 3rd grade.
The study further revealed that some assumptions about Southerners are 80-90% correct, but these assumptions, according to researchers, do not necessarily amount to stupidity. These include: 1) Distrust of the government, 2) Belief in a higher power, 3) Respect for personal space and love of large parcels of personal property, 4) Accents reminiscent of Old English, and 5) Belief that there’s more than one way to skin a cat – although only 3% reported ever having skinned a cat.
The study also recorded a number of actual responses from Southerners after they were told what the study was about, which the University of BFE plans to publish as a book written in first person called: “I Ain’t Stupid.”
One particularly poignant comment left researchers speechless: “Ain’t it jist as closet-minded and di-rogaratory for Northners to de-scriminate ‘gainst peoples from the Southren parts? I mean, I might not talk rightly right, but I ain’t never driven no “cah” or drank no cup of “cahffee.” Another Southerner stated to researchers: “I ain’t got no time to chew backy, and I don’t even own property. I live in Atlanta.”
Professor Blakey Blake, the grant recipient of the study, said that follow-up research will be conducted to see if Northerners are as rude and faithless as most Southerners think.
When asked if the study was in any way biased since it didn’t measure the racist attitudes and hateful religious dogmas that are reportedly still rampant in the South, Blake stated: “The study was not biased. Its function was to show that Southerners are people too, and that they are no more or less stupid than people in other parts of the U.S. It wasn’t, however, designed to explore the complexities of Southern culture.”
Blake stopped the interview and refused to comment when asked how he collected the scientific information about what Northerners think.