United Airlines to Force Give Free MMA Lessons on all Flights

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United Airlines, unbeknownst to many customers, has recently begun offering additional incentives to get passengers on overbooked flights to take a later plane.  According to an airlines spokesperson, these perks are offered with the customer in mind and are “for their own damn good.”

From here on out on overbooked flights, passengers will be offered a number of enticing incentives – from money to vouchers to free mixed martial arts lessons with a security team.

Two days ago on a flight out of Chicago O’Hare, Dr. David Dao, a 69 year-old doctor from Kentucky, decided to go with one of the newer incentives.

“Dr. Dao wanted the more physical option,” a flight attendant revealed, “because he’s checking things off his bucket list.  You don’t hear that part on the video, but he said he always wanted to try cage fighting before he dies.  And he’s really old so that’s probably soon.”

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz confirmed the flight attendant’s version and backed up his employees completely.

“I don’t understand why some people are demanding an apology,” Mr. Munoz said.  “We gave Dr. Dao exactly what he asked for.”

Besides the incentives, United has also updated its lackluster menu with a refreshing new list of drinks and snacks:

  1. Molotov cocktail
  2. Bloodied Mary (you can get it even if your name’s not Mary)
  3. Knuckle Sandwich
  4. Singapore nuts in a Sling
  5. Colombian necktie
  6. Buckshot (it’s a Southern whiskey)
  7. Punch (no glass required)
  8. Free flow (of your own blood and spit)
  9. Para-shooter

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