February 2017 – Page 2

New Class of Dodo–‘Anus Coulterus’–Found in North America

23Feb

By jeff12 Comments

Politics

New Class of Dodo–‘Anus Coulterus’–Found in North America

Scientists with the Smithsonian Institution have stumbled on the find of a lifetime! A species long purported to be extinct–the infamous dodo bird. Though, technically, this particular bird, Anus Coulterus, is suspected to be a cross-breed between a dodo and some kind of cuckoo. Last week, the team was studying a pair of newly transported condor falcons at a local zoo when they happened upon the unpredictable animal. “There we were, walking by the elephant area, when we heard the most God-awful sound,” reported the team leader. “Remember, Laura? You actually said, ‘Oh good Lord! What is that?! It sounds like Satan giving birth to a pterodactyl!” So we went over to investigate and there it was, covered in elephant dung! For some reason, it had been subsisting mostly on the f...

23Feb

By jeff24 Comments

U.S.

Study: Guns Linked to Gun Violence

According to the American Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives, a recent study revealed that, of all crimes committed in the United States with a firearm, 100% of those crimes had guns involved. This new evidence, though inconclusive about the factors that lead to violence, clearly shows that firearms have a role in crimes related to firearms. “We’re relieved, actually,” said one relieved chief of police. “We now have indisputable proof that shows the tens of thousands of people killed every year by bullets were shot by a weapon. We’re happy to know some sicko isn’t out there digging holes in people’s chests and planting bullets inside their bodies, because that would be disturbing.” Though the reaction over the data has been varied due to variables in ...

Jack Nicholson Mistaken for Regular Crazy Old Curmudgeon

22Feb

By jeff1060 Comments

Celebrities

Jack Nicholson Mistaken for Regular Crazy Old Curmudgeon

NEPTUNE CITY, NJ—Silver screen legend Jack Nicholson, best known for his performances in movies such as The Shining, Batman, and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, was visiting his hometown in New Jersey when he got into a “misunderstanding” with a normal person named Hank (who reportedly makes 4,000 dollars a month and drives a Prius) at the intersection of Main St. and 6th. According to eye-witnesses, the “misunderstanding” arose when Hank had the audacity to put on his blinker and slow to make a right turn just before Mr. Nicholson, who was driving behind him, attempted to make that same turn first. And then, to add insult to injury, Hank shamelessly screamed back at Mr. Nicholson, mistaking him for an ordinary irate nutjob, as he jumped onto the hood of Hank’s car and began to smash ...

Google Apologizes for Inserting Creepy Subliminal Message in Name

22Feb

By jeff43 Comments

Internets

Google Apologizes for Inserting Creepy Subliminal Message in Name

MOUNTAINVIEW, CA–Larry Page, co-founder and CEO of the mammoth search engine known to the world as Google, released a shocking admission and subsequent apology yesterday for intentionally placing harmful subliminal messages into the name of his informational superhighway. It appears that the name Google was chosen simply because it contained the suggestion, “Go ogle”. And though, initially, he had gone back and forth between “Awkwardgoggles” and “Peepers” he eventually went with the former because of its subtlety. “I am grieved at my own sophomoric actions,” revealed Page. “And I bear full responsibility for the millions and millions of oglers out there ogling both day and night, completely unaware of the message planted under the threshold of their conscious perception.” Not...

Hipster Loses Non-prescription Glasses–World Observes Moment of Silence

22Feb

By jeff13 Comments

Society

Hipster Loses Non-prescription Glasses–World Observes Moment of Silence

Arthur Oscar Ramone IX lost his glasses yesterday. And a choir of baby angels wept over his surprisingly strong plaid shoulders, whimpering and cooing like doves in the unseen background. They cried for him. They cried for beauty. They cried in harmony. The night started out like any other. He rode his one-speed Redline down to Viva La Vegan to grab a pack of PBR, and caught up with some homies along the way. “Sup brah!” “Waaasup brahski!” “You read the Communist Manifesto last night?” “Twice.” “In Russian?” “Da.” “Spot me a Spirit?” “Nah, roll my own now. Homegrown.” “Sweet. Recycled paper?” “Twice.” “Sick. Wanna watch some Bujalski with us tonight?” “Mumblecore!” And as he drank in the warm night–with all its starlit conversation–he thoug...

Better Living Conditions Turning Animals into Real Assholes

21Feb

By jeff19 Comments

Sci-Tech

Better Living Conditions Turning Animals into Real Assholes

A new study was published yesterday in the Journal of Food Science and Technology by a collaboration of food scientists on the dangers of better living conditions for animals who are used as a food resource. The article illustrates an alarming trend in the attitudes of poultry, pig, and cow and shows that they have gone from being content with their lot in life to actually expecting better food, open spaces, and even random hugs and kisses. "There is a direct correlation between the animals' increasingly sedentary and cushy lives and their change in attitudes," reported food scientist Dr. Ino Beder. "Normally, we wouldn't be so worried, but we actually had a pig force us to pet it for about an hour the other day. It's getting a little ridiculous." This study was not lost on some of th...