Month: March 2017

Richard Simmons Found Safe in the 80’s
13Mar By jeff9 Comments
Celebrities

Richard Simmons Found Safe in the 80’s

LAPD Detective Scott Turner and his K-9 partner, Hooch, have allayed the fears of the public mind by confirming that Richard Simmons, comedian and health fitness guru, is indeed alive and well. Police Chief Daryl Gates, former Police Academy instructor, told Iron E! Gossip that officers went to check on Mr. Simmons after it was rumored that he had been kidnapped by a silver DeLorean. "There is no need to worry," Chief Gates said.  "Mr. Simmons is still in his extremely short shorts and rainbow tank top, listening to the Fame soundtrack on repeat." The police, after hearing reports of a possible kidnapping, initially thought they may have to bring in their new crime-eradicating cyborg to save Mr. Simmons; they eventually decided against it, declaring mega-corporations like Omni Con...
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Scientific Revolution Led by Band of Deluded Half-wits
12Mar By jeff17 Comments
Sci-Tech

Scientific Revolution Led by Band of Deluded Half-wits

Modern man, it seems, has been much too generous in his estimation of the supposed “fathers of science.”  Long held to be towering geniuses in multiple fields, recent historical documents have revealed our hidden suspicions: that religious men of the likes of Johannes Kepler, Galileo Galilei, Tycho Brahe, Renee Descartes and Francis Bacon (all contemporaries) were — to use the scientific term — idiot nutjobs. Apparently, they could barely string two sentences together. “God, God, science, God, God?” queried Kepler. “No, no.  God, science, Gody-god…God,” answered Bacon. This excerpt (under the chapter heading Dialogue Concerning Two Chief Loons), was found in the recently discovered diary of theologian and pseudo-scientist, Robert Boyle.  It illustrates the true mental state of a g...
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Area Man Asks Wife if She’s on Her Exclamation Point Again
9Mar By jeff11 Comments
Local Man

Area Man Asks Wife if She’s on Her Exclamation Point Again

Local Dallas resident, Eric Naughtbright, was shocked by the punctuation-filled response he received after asking his wife of eight years if she was having her exclamation point again. They had only been married a short time but Eric thought he was making real strides in his ability to understand and communicate with the opposite sex, especially during monthly times of difficulty. Since he had learned very quickly what not to call it, he was taking a new approach.  Needless to say, he's still in the learning stages. "I don't understand," Eric said.  "I mean, why just have a boring old period when you can really make a statement?  I thought it would be empowering." It wasn't. And after seeing the damage he had done, he did his best to salvage his relationship.  And his life. ...
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Man in Tinfoil Hat Sounding More Normal Every Day
8Mar By jeff16 Comments
World

Man in Tinfoil Hat Sounding More Normal Every Day

The man you see in the above picture, once labeled by society as looney tunes; once cast aside as fringe material; once mocked as a conspiratorial cuckoo, should not be dismissed or ignored any longer. He is the new normal. "...the illegal leaks! and classifieds! and information! and the illegal leaks!  It is a total witch hunt!" "THE MAN had my wires tapped in my tower! Even when he's 'not' here, he's still 'here'  You can't see him, but only I see him.  He's here right now." "THEY'RE LISTENING!" "Pretty sure--scratch that--definite proof (located in my mind castle) that phones were tapped." "Fake news media (failing @NYTimes @NBCNews @ABC @CNN @CBS) is not my enema, it is the enema of the American people!" "Salem witch hunters!" "I heard THE MAN liked to smoke Sal...
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How to Make Yourself Feel Better if You’re Self-Published
7Mar By jeff11 Comments
Society

How to Make Yourself Feel Better if You’re Self-Published

In case your only way to self-help has been self-medication, here are a few other ways to feel better about yourself if you are self-published: Burn everything you've ever written and don't ever mention your writing to anyone ever again.  Ever. When telling people you're self-published, always mumble the word "self" and say the published part really loudly.  And then go right into how you hate your editor and all the changes you have to endure.  You won't be lying when you say this because people who are self-published are generally their own editors.  Then walk away abruptly so they don't have a chance to ask you any other questions (this will help build your persona). Leave out the word "self" altogether.  This also won't be a lie because you are published in some sens...
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