March 2017 – Page 4 – Iron E-News

6Mar

By jeff16 Comments

Politics

Clinton on Pence Emails: “Amateur Hour”

Clinton: "A two-year old is better at hiding things" Hillary Rodham Clinton, former U.S. Secretary of State, responded strongly yesterday to revelations concerning current Vice President Mike Pence's use of emails during his time as Indiana Governor. Apparently, Pence used his personal email to conduct state business. "I can't believe the Vice President," Mrs. Clinton offered. "You would think someone in his position would know better, especially after watching me for so long." Though VP Pence has been reluctant to clarify the nature of the emails, which Clinton has commended, a Pence official has confirmed that 13 boxes of emails have been delivered to the Indiana State House. "13! Only 13!" Clinton cried in disbelief. "He should have dumped no less than 1300 boxes so they...

Doctors Recommending 3 Selfies a Day to Combat ‘Failed Existence Syndrome’

5Mar

By jeff21 Comments

Society

Doctors Recommending 3 Selfies a Day to Combat ‘Failed Existence Syndrome’

“A selfie can make you feel like you’re somebody” – Dr. Sal Phee Are you sad? All the time? Do you constantly wish you were someone else? Someone who is as happy as the people you see on TV? You might have a classic case of what doctors call “failed existence syndrome.” And although it’s true you will never be any of the extremely successful, popular, wealthy, beloved, beautiful, clean, fragrant, dentally perfect A-listers, you can still have a small piece of their eternal happiness. A very very very…very small piece. “A sliver of stardom is still stardom, is it not?” Dr. Sal Phee posed rhetorically. “Everyday people like you and me could never have all the happiness that celebrities possess. But if we can somehow mimic their lifestyle and actions in a small way then we can at least...

Research Shows Fingers all You Need to Type on Keyboard

4Mar

By jeff8 Comments

Sci-Tech

Research Shows Fingers all You Need to Type on Keyboard

No brain necessary for even high-level tasks, study shows The Institute of Neurological Research, located in Berkeley California, released a shocking new report on human brain function and development yesterday. Though initially seeking to gain further understanding as to how homo sapiens are able to perform complex tasks at high levels of intelligences (or how our brains work), they unwittingly made a very shocking discovery. The report shows that the body has somehow learned to carry out moderately high-level tasks apart from any brain function whatsoever. In order to prove this, the team of researchers put a Yahoo! Breaking News editor into a light coma and then placed a keyboard in front of him. Here are the results: Adam Levine’s Wife Laughed--More on this Story Later Beyonce an...

Trump Sets Personal Reading Record during Speech

3Mar

By jeff11 Comments

Politics

Trump Sets Personal Reading Record during Speech

This week, during his speech to Congress, President Trump set a personal best for consecutive number of words read in one sitting. And just so the Times couldn't refute it, his speech (read from a teleprompter) was recorded for the world, for posterity, and for Trump--to watch and re-watch in between tweeting sessions with Congress. In addition to the reading record, he also set a record for number of near-presidential things to come from his mouth. "Trump is on fire," tweeted one supporter. "This just proves that he is not the fashist dictator that the fake media says he is." "They just got Trumped!" read another tweet. "Look at him all knowlegable and stuffs!" In honor of World Reading Day, the organization has noted the president's accomplishment on their website, outdo...

The Pope on Aaron Rodgers’ Season: “His Hail Mary’s were Full of Grace”

3Mar

By jeff15 Comments

Religion, Sports

The Pope on Aaron Rodgers’ Season: “His Hail Mary’s were Full of Grace”

Iron E-Sports News was given an exclusive interview with the 266th pope of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Francis (or Jorge Mario Bergoglio to his mom) to get his take on the current state of the NFL as well as a few thoughts on last year's season. Pope Francis, a well respected sports gambler, said he had his money on Aaron Rodgers early on in the season. "Aaron is blessed," the Francis revealed. "He's the only one who consistently relies on the holy 'hail mary' pass. Other quarterbacks neglect it to their own detriment." "You may not know this, but I also always put a little money down for the Browns because God roots for the underdog." When asked about how God handles conflicting prayers from the various teams, Pope Francis had some surprising remarks: "God plays favorite...

Rep. Ryan Zinke Named Cabinet’s Interior Decorator

2Mar

By jeff12 Comments

Politics

Rep. Ryan Zinke Named Cabinet’s Interior Decorator

Congressman Zinke ready to decorate the sh*t out of stuff Montana Representative Ryan Zinke was given the senatorial "green light" to take on a job of timely importance: redecorating the White House. His official title, Decorator of the Interior, makes him primarily responsible for Trump's cabinet. "My immediate priority will be to focus on the cabinet," revealed Congressman Zinke. "First of all, why is there only one? The White House is huge. We could definitely fit more. Second of all, we could probably afford a new one. I've seen the budget." Originally, the panel were considering the famous team consisting of Ted Allen, Carson Kressley, Kyan Douglas, and Thom Filicia for the job but voted no because they felt Trump and the team wouldn't see eye to eye. Besides his main...