Tag: funny news

Human Really Impressing Other Humans Right Now
Celebrities

Human Really Impressing Other Humans Right Now

We’ve lived on this planet for thirty-five years now, and though we have easily adopted their mannerisms, assumed their practices, and assimilated their languages, we think it’s safe to say there are some things that we will never understand – as sure as Rumyliak has three suns and Gorpin was a grifter. Lately, we have become increasingly fascinated (as much as a Rumyliakan can be fascinated, huhuhu) with what terrestrians call “celebrities”. For the longest time, we thought the humans were reviving the study of Astrology because of their constant references to the stars. Only later did Mhkkiklab point out that they were actually referring to people. And so, logically, our subsequent debate was on whether or not these particular humans had a higher atomic number count than most. Need...
Tiger Woods Still Getting White Dudes Really Really Pumped about Golf
Sports

Tiger Woods Still Getting White Dudes Really Really Pumped about Golf

No matter how poor Tiger Woods’ performance is on the course, he still has an uncanny ability to get people everywhere fired up about the sport. Especially white dudes. According to Scarborough Research data and, more recently, Nielsen’s 2013 sports media report, approximately 85-87% of golf fans are white; and of that number, the majority are over 55. These numbers, to many in the golf world, are revealing.  But they’re also raising a number of questions for those that follow the sport. The first, and most obvious question, of course, is “How are men from the Caucuses mountains getting TV reception?”  And the second, but equally penetrating: “Is golf the only channel?” “Well, yeah, now that you mention it, those numbers can’t be right,” said one TV analyst.  ”One would assu...
The Department of Justice Probes Itself–Comes Out Clean
Politics

The Department of Justice Probes Itself–Comes Out Clean

After information has come to light regarding Chief Justice Eric Holder’s seizure of months of AP phone records and targeting of journalists such as James Rosen and David Sanger, Mr. Holder must now answer…to himself. Upon reading about the entire ordeal in his morning paper, the president has initiated an immediate and just response: namely, a thorough and penetrating investigation of DOJ policies and actions toward journalists. “I am very disturbed by what I’ve been reading,” president Obama admitted candidly. “We value freedom of the press and are committed to ensuring its protection. To prove it to you, I’ve tasked Chief Justice Holder with heading the investigation. No one is more familiar with the intricacies and complex machinations of Eric than Eric.” According to an anony...
Mitt Romney Adopts Overseas Money–Emotional Reunion at Airport
Politics

Mitt Romney Adopts Overseas Money–Emotional Reunion at Airport

BOSTON--It was quite the Hallmark moment for the Romney clan today as the former governor stood next to his campaign bus at the Logan International Airport, anxiously awaiting the arrival of his newly adopted sons. And as his "precious cargo" emerged from the plane intact, he almost couldn't restrain himself. "I'm a dad again!" the proud governor exclaimed jubilantly.  "And again.  And again.  I never thought this day would come but here it is--and here they are!" According to both the government and the Guinness Book of World Records, this is the first time anyone's family has outgrown most countries. "The little guys are still sleeping," whispered the presidential hopeful as he patted their briefcase-like strollers.  "Oh look!  Some Ben's are up.  And a few thousand Grants to...
Ron Paul ‘Slow and Steady’ Strategy has Him Almost Definitely Winning in 2040
Politics

Ron Paul ‘Slow and Steady’ Strategy has Him Almost Definitely Winning in 2040

Ron Paul may not seem the most obvious candidate to some but, according to the libertarian’s inner circle, Paul’s strategy for obtaining the White House sometime in the next century is nothing less than golden. The longtime congressman, though lagging behind his conservative counterparts in the Republican primary, sees himself as more of the tortoise than the hare in this race. “Sure, you can use that analogy,” said one of his aides in response to our comment.  “Or you can look at it like this: Ron Paul is like a cube of vegetable bullion in hot water.  It may take a while to kick in, but once it does–oh sweet victory!” Dr. Paul has been a permanent fixture in modern politics since the 1970′s and has intermittently run for the nation’s highest office since the 80′s.  His strong st...
Justin Beiber Seeks Counseling after Struggling with Normal Thoughts
Celebrities

Justin Beiber Seeks Counseling after Struggling with Normal Thoughts

LONDON, ONTARIO–In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Scooter Braun, manager of Canadian teen-pop idol Justin Bieber, revealed that the young star is seeking professional help for what he describes as “recurring, almost debilitating, normal thoughts”. “Justin has had a serious relapse, but he is getting the help he needs,” said Braun.  “Our team of celebrity psychiatrists have assured me that Justin will not suffer any long-term effects from these thoughts and that he will be back to spreading Bieber Fever in no time.” According to sources close to the Biebers, the incident occurred after Justin witnessed his half-brother put his pant legs on one at a time.  This supposedly caused the pop sensation to crawl up into the fetal position and call out, “Baby, No!  Baby, baby,...