Last August, Adidas released its all-new Alpha-Jordan NMD-Ultra shoes in yet another successful endeavor to exploit social hierarchies based on wealth and athletic ability to make some sweet money. These revolutionary shoes were popularized by social media posts involving several celebrities and athletes wearing them and doing things that serve no other purpose than to highlight their wealth through their expensive shoes. This prompted a craze in the frightfully-faced masses to buy the shoes to draw attention away from their butt-ugly mugs.
“I’m really happy with my brand new pair of Alpha-Jordan NMD-Ultra’s,” local ugly man Max Zhang said. “People used to unfairly judge me by my face. But now that shoes are the biggest thing, they look down at my feet in awe and wonder!”
Max Zhang beamed with pride as he flaunted his bright neon-pink shoes. “Finally, people judge me for who I actually am!”
Adidas’s new shoes feature a host of innovative technologies that justify their $500 price-tag. These shoes also sport the massively popular Boost technology, which still remains in widespread use despite multiple customer complaints of the vertigo-inducing feeling of “walking on clouds”.
Perhaps even more exciting is its new Stan-Smith style carbon fiber shoelaces, with a miniature gadget at the heels of the shoe that automatically tighten your shoelaces for you. As an added plus, its shoelaces glow in the dark.
The mini gadgets at the heels of those shoes also serve as small networking devices, providing free Wi-Fi and Bluetooth connection, with which people truly desperate for attention can play music on to impress everyone before the shoe is outdated and nobody cares anymore.
As the shoe is rated “Shoe of the Year” by IGN and the PCGamer, be sure to get a pair to mask your own grotesque figure before its accompanying social status wears out with the next model’s release.