Author: jeff

Has been a self-published author for almost twenty years now - these works have been awarded self-recognition and similar acclaim for almost just as long. On top of this, he has many, many unfinished but soon to be self-published works on the way. *Biographical info also included
Doctors Recommending 3 Selfies a Day to Combat ‘Failed Existence Syndrome’
5Mar By jeff21 Comments
Society

Doctors Recommending 3 Selfies a Day to Combat ‘Failed Existence Syndrome’

“A selfie can make you feel like you’re somebody” – Dr. Sal Phee Are you sad? All the time? Do you constantly wish you were someone else? Someone who is as happy as the people you see on TV? You might have a classic case of what doctors call “failed existence syndrome.” And although it’s true you will never be any of the extremely successful, popular, wealthy, beloved, beautiful, clean, fragrant, dentally perfect A-listers, you can still have a small piece of their eternal happiness. A very very very…very small piece. “A sliver of stardom is still stardom, is it not?” Dr. Sal Phee posed rhetorically. “Everyday people like you and me could never have all the happiness that celebrities possess. But if we can somehow mimic their lifestyle and actions in a small way then we can at least...
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Research Shows Fingers all You Need to Type on Keyboard
4Mar By jeff8 Comments
Sci-Tech

Research Shows Fingers all You Need to Type on Keyboard

No brain necessary for even high-level tasks, study shows The Institute of Neurological Research, located in Berkeley California, released a shocking new report on human brain function and development yesterday. Though initially seeking to gain further understanding as to how homo sapiens are able to perform complex tasks at high levels of intelligences (or how our brains work), they unwittingly made a very shocking discovery. The report shows that the body has somehow learned to carry out moderately high-level tasks apart from any brain function whatsoever. In order to prove this, the team of researchers put a Yahoo! Breaking News editor into a light coma and then placed a keyboard in front of him. Here are the results: Adam Levine’s Wife Laughed--More on this Story Later Beyonce an...
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Trump Sets Personal Reading Record during Speech
3Mar By jeff11 Comments
Politics

Trump Sets Personal Reading Record during Speech

This week, during his speech to Congress, President Trump set a personal best for consecutive number of words read in one sitting. And just so the Times couldn't refute it, his speech (read from a teleprompter) was recorded for the world, for posterity, and for Trump--to watch and re-watch in between tweeting sessions with Congress. In addition to the reading record, he also set a record for number of near-presidential things to come from his mouth. "Trump is on fire," tweeted one supporter.  "This just proves that he is not the fashist dictator that the fake media says he is." "They just got Trumped!" read another tweet.  "Look at him all knowlegable and stuffs!" In honor of World Reading Day, the organization has noted the president's accomplishment on their website, outdo...
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The Pope on Aaron Rodgers’ Season: “His Hail Mary’s were Full of Grace”
3Mar By jeff15 Comments
Religion, Sports

The Pope on Aaron Rodgers’ Season: “His Hail Mary’s were Full of Grace”

Iron E-Sports News was given an exclusive interview with the 266th pope of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Francis (or Jorge Mario Bergoglio to his mom) to get his take on the current state of the NFL as well as a few thoughts on last year's season. Pope Francis, a well respected sports gambler, said he had his money on Aaron Rodgers early on in the season. "Aaron is blessed," the Francis revealed.  "He's the only one who consistently relies on the holy 'hail mary' pass.  Other quarterbacks neglect it to their own detriment." "You may not know this, but I also always put a little money down for the Browns because God roots for the underdog." When asked about how God handles conflicting prayers from the various teams, Pope Francis had some surprising remarks: "God plays favorite...
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Rep. Ryan Zinke Named Cabinet’s Interior Decorator
2Mar By jeff12 Comments
Politics

Rep. Ryan Zinke Named Cabinet’s Interior Decorator

Congressman Zinke ready to decorate the sh*t out of stuff Montana Representative Ryan Zinke was given the senatorial "green light" to take on a job of timely importance: redecorating the White House. His official title, Decorator of the Interior, makes him primarily responsible for Trump's cabinet. "My immediate priority will be to focus on the cabinet," revealed Congressman Zinke. "First of all, why is there only one?  The White House is huge.  We could definitely fit more.  Second of all, we could probably afford a new one.  I've seen the budget." Originally, the panel were considering the famous team consisting of Ted Allen, Carson Kressley, Kyan Douglas, and Thom Filicia for the job but voted no because they felt Trump and the team wouldn't see eye to eye. Besides his main...
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Bank of America Changes Name to ‘Bend over America’ as Part of Honesty Campaign
2Mar By jeff12 Comments
U.S.

Bank of America Changes Name to ‘Bend over America’ as Part of Honesty Campaign

NEW YORK—Bank of America Corp. launched its new and improved "honesty campaign" yesterday as part of a nationwide strategy to win back its soul. To solidify their commitment to the campaign, lawyers for the worldwide entity have been commissioned to change the official name of the bank to Bend Over America. Coinciding with this momentous achievement is BofA's ingenious "Ram-You-In-The-Rear" Automated Teller Machine.  Or, in the words of their new slogan: "Why lose your money when you can lose your dignity as well?  Come bank with us!" According to the designers of the original prototype, the customer, upon entering the ATM, receives his/her payment in "full" while images of corporate bigwigs laugh and dance on the screen in a fun, kaleidoscope of colors. "Basically, we're t...
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