Author: jeff

Has been a self-published author for almost twenty years now - these works have been awarded self-recognition and similar acclaim for almost just as long. On top of this, he has many, many unfinished but soon to be self-published works on the way. *Biographical info also included
Ron Paul ‘Slow and Steady’ Strategy has Him Almost Definitely Winning in 2040
Politics

Ron Paul ‘Slow and Steady’ Strategy has Him Almost Definitely Winning in 2040

Ron Paul may not seem the most obvious candidate to some but, according to the libertarian’s inner circle, Paul’s strategy for obtaining the White House sometime in the next century is nothing less than golden. The longtime congressman, though lagging behind his conservative counterparts in the Republican primary, sees himself as more of the tortoise than the hare in this race. “Sure, you can use that analogy,” said one of his aides in response to our comment.  “Or you can look at it like this: Ron Paul is like a cube of vegetable bullion in hot water.  It may take a while to kick in, but once it does–oh sweet victory!” Dr. Paul has been a permanent fixture in modern politics since the 1970′s and has intermittently run for the nation’s highest office since the 80′s.  His strong st...
Justin Beiber Seeks Counseling after Struggling with Normal Thoughts
Celebrities

Justin Beiber Seeks Counseling after Struggling with Normal Thoughts

LONDON, ONTARIO–In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Scooter Braun, manager of Canadian teen-pop idol Justin Bieber, revealed that the young star is seeking professional help for what he describes as “recurring, almost debilitating, normal thoughts”. “Justin has had a serious relapse, but he is getting the help he needs,” said Braun.  “Our team of celebrity psychiatrists have assured me that Justin will not suffer any long-term effects from these thoughts and that he will be back to spreading Bieber Fever in no time.” According to sources close to the Biebers, the incident occurred after Justin witnessed his half-brother put his pant legs on one at a time.  This supposedly caused the pop sensation to crawl up into the fetal position and call out, “Baby, No!  Baby, baby,...
Saudi Arabia Allows Women to Vote on which Men will Make All the Decisions
World

Saudi Arabia Allows Women to Vote on which Men will Make All the Decisions

RIYADH–In a historic step towards equality, Saudi women can now cast their ballot for which men they want to control their lives. Coming on the heels of a similar directive, which allowed women to choose which shade of very black they wanted, this decision has equal implications and even greater value for all involved. The progressive move from the great egalitarian monarch–whether political, conciliatory, or both–is unparalleled in the ultra-conservative kingdom and comes at just the right time. Along with the edict, King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz al Saud has attached a clause which requires the woman to drive to the voting place herself which, of course, is illegal and carries a heavy fine or a penalty of 10 lashes.  According to his secretary, he thought that the women should hav...
Unknown Man Arrested for Impersonating Lebron in NBA Finals
Sports

Unknown Man Arrested for Impersonating Lebron in NBA Finals

MIAMI—A Dallas man was arrested yesterday after Miami police discovered that he had kidnapped and then impersonated Heat star Lebron James during the NBA Finals against the Mavericks earlier this month in what has to be the wildest scheme ever to help the Mavs achieve basketball glory. Apparently it worked. Detectives who opened the case said that they were tipped off by suspicious activity during games four, five, and six of the championship series. “Something was definitely hinkey,” reported Miami detective Jack Emup. “We watched all the games at the station, and we knew something was wrong, but we never would’ve suspected this.” According to police, the man they apprehended played college ball on a division one team, underwent facial reconstructive surgery, and even got the ...
Bombs Interfere with Dictator Fashion Week
Dictators

Bombs Interfere with Dictator Fashion Week

TRIPOLI, LYBIA—With rumors swirling around the status of the highly anticipated SWAG FEST (Senior World Autocratic Gala and Fashion Event Spectacular in Tripoli) due to ill-timed popular uprisings and subsequent bombing by the West, Lybian leader and dictator debonair Mu’uamar Gaddafi told Iron E-News that the show, “must, and will, go on!” In his speech on opening day, surrounded by other leader/models such as King Hamad of Bahrain, Islam Karimov of Uzbekistan, Gurbanguly Berdymuhammedov of Turkmenistan, Ali Zadari of Pakistan, and President Saleh of Yemen, Gadhafi celebrated the show’s life and resilience through the best and worst of times. “When Ben-ali and Mubarak cancelled at the last moment, I was afraid we were going to have to postpone. But after receiving so much opposition...
President Chavez Recovering “Like a Condor!” and More
Dictators

President Chavez Recovering “Like a Condor!” and More

CARACAS–Enigmatic President of Venezuela Hugo Chavez has been recovering at an alarmingly fast pace, and the doctors said that he should be back to “soaring with the condors” very soon. When Iron E-News correspondent Bev Jolt interviewed the president, she was surprised as anyone to find him in this revitalized (and poetic) state. He talked little about his condition but was very eager to share about his renewed life vision–how even the most menial tasks put him in oneness with “our brothers in the animal kingdom.” “I just got a coke like a raccoon,” revealed an ecstatic Chavez.  “And before that I peed like a racehorse.  Yes, I know many people use that expression, but they use it flippantly and are never one with the racehorse while they urinate–it’s simply horse pee to them and...