Realistic New Year’s Resolutions for 2021

I resolve to exercise more. #assumethebest

I resolve to manage my expectations. #preparefortheworst

I resolve to disappoint people less. I will start by keeping my resolutions to myself. #reputationmatters

They say sleeping more is better for you. I resolve to find out how much more. #sciencematters

I resolve to eat healthier. I plan to go to McDonald’s every other day instead of every day. #imayhavecoloncancer

I resolve to maintain higher standards of excellence in my life. I will start by buying higher quality bourbon. #blessed

I resolve to value quantity where quality is concerned. In other words, I will start buying a higher quantity of high quality bourbon. #noshelflife

I resolve to stop procrastinating. I have already taken care of resolutions six and seven while writing this. #nailedit

I resolve to feel better about myself. I will do this by keeping a list of the worst people on the planet in front of me at all times. I could even tape it to the bourbon so as to create a ‘double rainbow’ effect. #triplerainbowalltheway

I resolve to try old things. Eagle Rare 17, Michter’s 25, Four Roses Limited Edition, Pappy Van Winkle 20 #withagecomeswisdom

I resolve to make new friends. I have one in mind already because he has the bourbons listed above. #genius

I resolve to get a better job. Because I deserve better. But also because I was fired last year. #linkedin

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