Silver Lining Burns Local Man’s Retina

Area resident, Luke Forthings, went home from the hospital today with what doctors described as blindness.

“Yeah, he can’t see anymore,” Dr. Richard Terdson said.

In more technical terms, it seems that Luke has suffered permanent damage from extreme solar retinopathy after taking part in a local hunt for sliver linings. Apparently, he and his book club regularly go out on partly cloudy days and spend hours and hours just looking up at the sun.

“Oh it’s the best!” exclaimed internet influencer, Apple, who was with Luke earlier at the hospital. “We’re reading a new book called If You Don’t See a Silver Lining then You’re Dumb by Sarah Noyeen and it has lit-er-a-lly changed our lives! I guess it’s probably changed Luke’s the most now. So jelly.”

“Hm. Well, the UV light from the sun lit-er-a-lly burned a hole in his retinal tissue,” Dr. Terdson added. “So–”

“Luke is like the poster child for silver linings,” Apple interrupted. “And blindness. He’s going to be so great at, like, hearing things and stuff now, you know. Have you seen Daredevil? Yeah, like that. Exactly.”

This new social movement first started when author Sarah Noyeen wrote her first book, The Silver Linings Hunter, which was pushed hard in places like Sudan, Syria, and third world orphanages, without much success. In it, she encourages a daily ritual of seeking out life’s silver linings. She argues that one must not just abandon the negative self, but fully decapitate it, cram it with positivity like Mamma crammed Thanksgiving stuffing in that old dead bird, and then sew the head back on with, of course, a silver lining. After this, she writes that the new self will only be able to subsist on more silver linings.

Incidentally, quotes such as “You will never see the good until you are blind to everything else,” really resonated with Luke on many levels.

When asked about it, she was resolute.

“I’m not to blame, of course, but I’m truly happy for Luke. He is silver linings personified. I’m sure he’ll also be able to leverage this as well and line his pockets with silver. Ooh, new book title.”

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