Tag: satire news

American Youth Discovers Sam Adams More than Just ‘Dead Beer Dude’
U.S.

American Youth Discovers Sam Adams More than Just ‘Dead Beer Dude’

BOSTON—Twenty-four-year-old Boston native and soon-to-be college grad, Richard Head, while sitting atop his cherry SUV and watching fireworks in the distance, learned a little bit more about American history and culture this past New Year’s–and, man, would his dad have been proud. “The last thing I thought I was going to get that night was a history lesson, if you know what I mean,” Richard revealed. “But leave it to Joe…he’s full of sh– like that. Anyways, there we were, sipping our favorite brewski and I says to Joe, ‘Eh Joe, who was Sam Adams anyways?’ And then Joe–he says to me, ‘You mean the dead beer guy?’ And I says, ‘No, I mean your mom. Of course the dead beer guy.” And then Joe turns to me all serious like and says, ‘Don’t you know anything? He was one of those original Americ...
Marine Biologists Discover Unhappy Clam
Sci-Tech

Marine Biologists Discover Unhappy Clam

A small team of researchers exploring and monitoring sea life along the eastern seaboard stumbled upon the rarest of finds last week: one teed off mollusk. According to the team leader, Adai Ver, the clam caught their attention because he was perched alone on the top of a large boulder. “We were pretty shocked when we found him,” recalled Adai.  “As far as we know, he’s the only one of his kind.” Our news team had a chance to sit down and talk with George and ask him why he was so perturbed. “Not everybody fits into your neat little stereotypes, you know,” George answered.  “This is partly why I’m so upset–don’t just assume that I’m going to be happy because I’m a clam.  I’m stuck here on this rock, it smells like seaweed, and I constantly have sand in my mouth.  What’s there to be hap...
Area Man’s Social Life not as Impressive as Facebook Page Suggests
Internets, Local Man

Area Man’s Social Life not as Impressive as Facebook Page Suggests

To the untrained eye, Brit Crinkler’s profile page on the number one social networking site in the world comes across as not only impressive but, as some might say, bordering on showy.  One of the woman editors of this paper, upon viewing the young man’s profile, likened it to drinking a Grey Goose martini straight out of Sean Connery’s mouth. But the results are in Mr. Crinkler—the veil has been removed, if you will—and it doesn’t look good. According to the younger brother Ty, there is an alarming disparity between Brit’s actual number of friends in real life and the number listed on his page. Apparently, Brit claims to have upwards of 1,250 friends; and somehow the rest of the world has believed him for over five years.  At first glance, this seems to qualify him for some sort of Gui...
Study: Mayonnaise from the Devil
Sci-Tech

Study: Mayonnaise from the Devil

Conclusive data uncovered in a new and impartial study conducted by the highly professional food scientists here at the Iron E Research Center in Shanghai, has shown that the popular condiment known to the world as mayonnaise actually comes from the vats of Hades. Some of us have had our suspicions about the insidious white sludge for quite some time but have held our tongues, strictly in the interests of science. Today, millions of consumers all around the world remain under the happy delusion that this fatty amalgamation of olive oil, egg yolk, and death is made in the loving factories of companies such as Kraft and Kewpie; and inadvertently overlook certain clues that, when taken as a whole, make the truth seem quite obvious. The first and most obvious one of course is the brand name...
More and More Extroverts Admitting they have a Problem
Society

More and More Extroverts Admitting they have a Problem

The science is in: Extroversion is a social disorder. To be more specific, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders now lists extraversion as ‘Social Annoyance Disorder’, which affects 1 out of 3 seemingly healthy adults in some way. The American Psychiatric Association (all introverts by the way), in tandem with the World Health Organization, published a detailed report chronicling the systematic harassment and general social abuse of introverts by extroverts, concluding that the excessive need or desire to sap the emotional energy of others was really a sort of social vampirism which was, at the least, bothersome, and at worst, dangerous to society. “Extroverts just need a big, wet existential blanket thrown over their faces every day,” one doctor recommended.  “Which...
American Tourist in Italy Visits the Sixteenth Chapel
U.S.

American Tourist in Italy Visits the Sixteenth Chapel

American tourist and college grad, Richard Head, recently decided it was time to get some culture in his life. Or, in his words, 16th century porn. After “learning” about the paintings that ornamented the lavish walls of the Vatican’s famous “Sixteenth Chapel”, he logically assumed that this was how all Italians lived and dressed, and so, of course, he wanted to see it for himself. However, he hesitated for a brief moment because he thought it a bit strange that so much nudity would be found in chapels of all places.  But he didn’t hesitate for long because so much culture awaited. Upon arriving in the Fiumicino airport, he hurriedly made his way through the tarmac and into the waiting area, fully expecting a cornucopia of lounging flesh similar to what one might find on Mount Olympus....