Month: April 2017

Yuge Sinkhole Detected in D.C.
6Apr By jeff19 Comments
Politics

Yuge Sinkhole Detected in D.C.

Trump's mouth possible ground zero An all-points emergency bulletin has been issued by the Federal Emergency Management Agency, calling on all Washington D.C. area response teams to convene with urgency on 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Apparently, a yuge sinkhole has been detected in or around the White House residence. "We're closely monitoring the situation," said DC Fire and EMS Chief Gregory Dean.  "Not only that, but we're working in tandem with other departments to salvage whomever and whatever we can." According to FEMA, this is without doubt, one of the worst disasters in our nation's history. "Not only is it one of the worst (and we've had some bad ones)," reported acting director of FEMA, Robert Fenton Jr.  "it has become so in record time.  This is right up there with 2001, '69, a...
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Eggsbenedict Cucumberpatch to Appear in New Thor Movie
5Apr By Caleb Canfield19 Comments
ENTMT

Eggsbenedict Cucumberpatch to Appear in New Thor Movie

The third installment of the Thor franchise in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is scheduled for release on November 3, 2017. Recently, the character Dr. Stephen Strange, interpreted once again by famous Sherlock actor, Benadryl Chamberpot, has been confirmed to play a significant role as well. Alongside Chris Hemwarts, who plays the titular role, Brainfart Thundersnatch will be making his second appearance as the beloved magician as Thor presumably battles in a gladiator match against The Hulk, played by Mark Buffalo. At the end of 2016’s Doctor Strange, during the post-credits scene—a staple of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU)—the Earth’s Sorcerer Supreme hosted Thor and inquired about his half-brother magician, Loki. Though it appeared to tease Benediction’s part in Thor: Ragnarok, i...
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Local Man Gives Up Lent for Lent
5Apr By jeff14 Comments
Local Man, Religion

Local Man Gives Up Lent for Lent

The religious observance of fasting and prayer known as Lent, which began on Wednesday, March 1 and ends Thursday, April 13, is quickly coming to a close. Observed by many branches of the Christian faithful--from Anglican to Catholic to Lutheran to Methodist and even some Evangelicals--this event is traditionally a time of sacrifice or abstention. That's why this year for Lent, local man, Willy Nihly, is abstaining from Lent. "I felt the best way to observe Lent was to give it up," Willy offered.  "I mean, what better way to sacrifice than to sacrifice sacrifice?  Or, if I can say it this way, what better way to give up things than to give up giving things up?" This is Willy's twentieth time participating so this year of observing non-observance has presented a unique set of ch...
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Scientists Say Earth Should Only have 10 Mil People, Quickly Call Dibs on First Spots
4Apr By jeff26 Comments
World

Scientists Say Earth Should Only have 10 Mil People, Quickly Call Dibs on First Spots

The Earth at any given moment (not a soccer game) A report released by the UN has confirmed what environmental and ecological scientists have feared for many years: the tiniest fraction of the Earth’s land surface is overcrowded. Accompanying this alarming report, as well as the innumerable articles picking it up, were equally alarming pictures (like the one above) showing just what the human population looks like at any moment. Anywhere. According to the SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry (and many, many more like them), the number one problem plaguing our world at this moment is too many humans.  Their answer: less humans. Dr. Charles A. Tan, an ecologist at the college, suggested that 10 million people on the Earth would be the perfect number to solve all of th...
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China Says Pollution Helping Kids Use Imagination
4Apr By jeff24 Comments
China

China Says Pollution Helping Kids Use Imagination

"I'm picturing the Forbidden City behind me!" China's Ministry of Education released some very encouraging numbers last week, showing significant increases in imagination all throughout its major cities. According to indicators tracking the Imagination Quality Index, spikes in creative thoughts in the minds of children have registered at consistently high levels over the past decade or so primarily due to industrialization and the "recanvasing" of China skies. "We have given our children a gift," reported a high level official Xi He.  "The dark gray canvas that we have stretched across the horizon offers kids the perfect opportunity to paint ideas in whatever color or hue their creativity suggests." On October 21, 2013, record smog closed the Harbin Airport along with all schools in th...
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Study Reveals Americans Losing Attention Sp
1Apr By jeff12 Comments
Society, U.S.

Study Reveals Americans Losing Attention Sp

Sorry, I just needed to check my phone A very important research center released a study last week (that we totally read all the way through and enjoyed very much) detailing groundbreaking information on stuff we're pretty sure you need to know. We believe it to be crucial that you make it all the way through this article. According to the findings, most Americans suffer from something similar to this other thing we read about that was really cool.  Basically, they put a group of kids into a "waiting room" and observed their behavior without them knowing it (actually sounds kind of creepy as I'm writing it down). Which brings up some interesting ethical questions regarding personal privacy and observing children - questions such as what are the ethical questions regarding persona...
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