Society

Nothing Whitens Teeth Like Bleach, Says Coma Patient
10May By jeff21 Comments
Society

Nothing Whitens Teeth Like Bleach, Says Coma Patient

The teeth speak for themselves. With oil-pulling all the rage now as a teeth-whitener and cleaner, area man Jonas Naughtbright (brother of Eric Naughtbright) prefers to keep things old school. "Jonas has had discoloration of the teeth for years now," revealed his doctor.  "It's a serious issue.  Yes, of course, he's in a coma to be sure.  But, man, you should've seen his teeth a month ago." According to his brother, Jonas saw immediate improvement just one day after using household bleach. "What might take you weeks or months to accomplish with oil-pulling or strips," Eric commented, "Jonas accomplished in 24 hours.  His teeth are ivory white--no, wait, toilet seat white." As soon as he comes out of his coma, Jonas is determined to brand his homemade recipe and break into th...
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Man Prefers to Inwardly Like Facebook Posts
28Apr By jeff19 Comments
Local Man

Man Prefers to Inwardly Like Facebook Posts

Area man, Pat Myas, is a lover of all things Facebook, but his friends on the popular social media site would never know it. According to our sources, Pat has the "annoying" habit of secretly enjoying the things he sees and reads without actually clicking the "like" button. "It's true," revealed one of his friends.  "I talked to him the other day and he started going on and on about how he really, really liked something I posted on my timeline.  When I confronted him about why he didn't click on the 'like' button he tried to engage in an existential discussion on the increasingly dichotomous nature of our reality!  What an asshole." Esteemed internet sociologist, Dr. Harvard Browneye, wrote his doctoral thesis on the subject of Facebook likes and offered valuable insight into such behav...
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IT Guy Admits Day Consists Mostly of Pet Videos and Typing a;lsjkd for Fun
25Apr By jeff23 Comments
Internets

IT Guy Admits Day Consists Mostly of Pet Videos and Typing a;lsjkd for Fun

Local IT worker, Vaughan Johnson, is hard at work on that server issue cat video you asked about last week."Most of my job takes me about five minutes to get done," Vaughan admitted.  "The rest is mainly memes and funny videos.  Of course, I tell everyone it's going to take much longer because I don't want them to start giving me busy work."His company, Cemen Enterprises, services the needs between the producer and their traders. "Our company fills a small but essential (and overlooked) gap in the market," CEO Alec Smart offered.  "We're basically--what's that?  Just a sec.  Well, get Vaughan in here right away.  As you can see, we rely on Vaughan and his team completely.  We have no idea what he does or how he does it but whatever it is, it's genius."According to Mr. Johnson, their effici...
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Family Unsure if Passive Aggressive Man Hates being Called PAM
22Apr By jeff22 Comments
Society

Family Unsure if Passive Aggressive Man Hates being Called PAM

Kentuckian Jim Ballsinger–brother, son, lover, hootenanny coordinator–recently returned from his daily therapy session in seemingly high spirits.  We think. “Oh, that’s right, the interview thing,” said Jim, apparently caught off guard by our presence.  ”No, it’s perfect timing.  Really, no problem.  I just need to go take a big dump and I’ll be right with you.” For the next hour, we had a chance to chat with Jim’s family to gain a better perspective on his newly identified social behavior and see how everyone was learning to cope. “That theruhpiss,” Jim’s mother revealed, “Told us that thuh bes’ way to help Jium was fer hium to hug his–whut?! Waddidu say, Larry?!  Oh, squuuze me.  Embrace (same thang).  She told us to help hium “embrace” his passive angryness.  Whut?!  Well, why ...
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Area Procrastinator Tells Boss he Works Best Under Time Constraints
17Apr By jeff24 Comments
Local Man

Area Procrastinator Tells Boss he Works Best Under Time Constraints

Mort Feebly, assistant manager at Supplies Surprise, is a man who has explored all the subtleties and nuances of the motto: “Work smarter, not harder.”  So, when his boss and sometimes friend, Herbert Sherbert, told the store about an opportunity in corporate, Mort didn’t miss a beat—he put it off until tomorrow. We caught up with him at one of his many stopovers to Krispy Kreme and asked him why he wasn’t busy streamlining his inventory for tomorrow’s visit from corporate. “Let me put it this way: I don’t feel my skill-set is being fully appreciated.  I’ve been looking for a way to show those suits what I can really do under pressure.  Some people call it procrastination, but I’m more of a “glass is half full” kind of guy—I call it being ‘clutch’.” Later, we had a chance to sit d...
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