satire news – Page 13

China Says Pollution Helping Kids Use Imagination

4Apr

By jeff24 Comments

China

China Says Pollution Helping Kids Use Imagination

"I'm picturing the Forbidden City behind me!" China's Ministry of Education released some very encouraging numbers last week, showing significant increases in imagination all throughout its major cities. According to indicators tracking the Imagination Quality Index, spikes in creative thoughts in the minds of children have registered at consistently high levels over the past decade or so primarily due to industrialization and the "recanvasing" of China skies. "We have given our children a gift," reported a high level official Xi He. "The dark gray canvas that we have stretched across the horizon offers kids the perfect opportunity to paint ideas in whatever color or hue their creativity suggests." On October 21, 2013, record smog closed the Harbin Airport along with all schools in th...

Study Reveals Americans Losing Attention Sp

1Apr

By jeff12 Comments

Society, U.S.

Study Reveals Americans Losing Attention Sp

Sorry, I just needed to check my phone A very important research center released a study last week (that we totally read all the way through and enjoyed very much) detailing groundbreaking information on stuff we're pretty sure you need to know. We believe it to be crucial that you make it all the way through this article. According to the findings, most Americans suffer from something similar to this other thing we read about that was really cool. Basically, they put a group of kids into a "waiting room" and observed their behavior without them knowing it (actually sounds kind of creepy as I'm writing it down). Which brings up some interesting ethical questions regarding personal privacy and observing children - questions such as what are the ethical questions regarding persona...

Rachel Dolezal Finding Exceptance in Liberal Community

31Mar

By jeff8 Comments

U.S.

Rachel Dolezal Finding Exceptance in Liberal Community

Ms. Dolezal encouraging people to run their true 'race' Nkechi Amare Diallo, formerly Rachel Moore, formerly Rachel Anne Dolezal, is a former American civil rights activist (still an American but a former civil rights activist) former Africana instructor (still an instructor - see above photo - but former Africana), and former president of the NAACP chapter in Spokane, WA for one and a half years (possibly still a president of something). She is a self-described "soul sista" who is still defining her own truth. According to defineyourowntruth.com and most of the world, it is possible for anyone nowadays to create the reality they prefer. Whether it be one's sexual preference or one's gender or one's racial identity or even Facebook status, you are free to be who you want to be and neit...

Local Man Pretty Sure He has Telekenesis

30Mar

By jeff12 Comments

Local Man

Local Man Pretty Sure He has Telekenesis

"This is not glued to my head, as some of you may think." Harold Crumbs, also known as Voldvaderon to millions of online gamers, is 98 percent sure he can move things with his brain. It all started when he was young and he noticed that the second hand on the clock on his bedroom dresser only moved when he was looking at it. When he saw this, something awoke inside of him. "In that moment," recounted Mr. Crumbs. "I knew my life would never be the same. It was then and there I decided I would only reveal my power when the time was right." Not counting the millions of times he has bent his own fingers even while thinking, "Don't bend your fingers," Harold has successfully closed a door, melted ice, and made a candle flicker over and over--all with the power of his mind (and all o...

Rabbit too Cute for its Own Good Really Starting to Annoy other Forest Animals

29Mar

By jeff20 Comments

World

Rabbit too Cute for its Own Good Really Starting to Annoy other Forest Animals

Next to a cold gaggling brook, in a small but verdant patch of green, settled serenely in the heart of the North American deciduous forest--the place where that "fresh car smell" is born--lives a baby cottontail rabbit named Booby. And, as you can see from the picture above, this is no ordinary Sylvilagus Floridanus! You may remember him as the star of our award-winning biopic "A Glorious Tail" (previously titled "Can't See the Forest for the Booby" and also just "Booby Bunny: The Life and Times"). Field reporter Bev Jolt, after living among the woodland creatures for 2 years, grew very close to Booby and gained an invaluable insider's perspective. As a follow-up to the biopic, she offers a wildly provocative account of inter-animal relationships and hidden forest drama. "Fake,"...

Multiverse Spotted by Scientists in the Pacific Northwest

28Mar

By jeff23 Comments

Sci-Tech

Multiverse Spotted by Scientists in the Pacific Northwest

Real Multiverse or man in Multiverse costume? A small team of Washingtonian scientists claim to have definitive proof of a certain large, hairy beast that has escaped them for years: The Multiverse. A cloud of skepticism and doubt has surrounded the elusive creature for so long due to lack of any physical proof--after much searching--despite the sheer number of multiverses that would have to exist to maintain a breeding population. "I ain't never seen one of dem multiverses 'fore," said local hunter Ernie Gurney. "I seen a Big Foot and I's dang well seen a UFO plenty times, but not dat." When asked why the multiverse only seemed to be spotted by groups of eager scientists out looking for it, the team had this to say: "It's plausible that many have seen evidence of one before but were...