satire news – Page 4

Longtime CSI Viewers to Finally get Honorary Forensics Degree

16Dec

By jeff14 Comments

Society

Longtime CSI Viewers to Finally get Honorary Forensics Degree

The once very popular television series, Crime Scene Investigation, which aired from 2000 to 2015, has recently announced that it will finally be able to properly reward viewers for their years and years of investment in the field of Forensic Science. In collaboration with Boston State University, a school well known for its exceptional forensics program, CSI will now be issuing an MS in Biomedical Forensic Sciences to any fan that has completed eight full seasons of the show. "It's about flipping time," one fan said. "I could've gone to school for this, but I decided to, you know, not." The longtime running drama about a "team of forensic investigators trained to solve criminal cases by scouring the crime scene" has successfully created millions of more fully trained and capable...

Local Man has been Lying about Gluten Allergy the Whole Time

12Dec

By Brooke Eliot24 Comments

Local Man

Local Man has been Lying about Gluten Allergy the Whole Time

Local resident and accountant, Barry Bishop, has been accused this week of lying about his severe gluten allergy. The incident took place at his neighbor’s Sunday night football party, where Barry was seen consuming large amounts of Bud Light and pepperoni pizza. Based off his previous allergy claims, attendees were horrified to see Mr. Bishop partaking in such reckless behavior. “I am shocked,” said one dismayed neighbor. ”I have seen him keel over in pain from just looking at a muffin - I don’t know what to feel anymore.” In a form of protest, she recently made a picket sign, depicting Mr. Bishop’s face superimposed onto a piece of bread. “I make signs to cope with my pain - this experience is no exception.” Host of the party, Melvin Cartwright, shed some light on the depravity. “I bo...

11Dec

By jeff17 Comments

Sports

LaVar Ball: “I’m the Last Targaryen”

LaVar Ball, first of his glorious name, has borne a "heavy burden" for far too long, and may the Balls grant him the strength to carry it. In an emotional (mostly on our end) and entirely exclusive interview, Lord Ball, after much soul-searching, revealed a very intimate and personal detail of his life that he decided he could never not go public with: "I am the last Targaryen." At that moment a cold wind blew in from the north and made the trees rustle like living things. Our key grip annoyingly noted that someone opened a window at that moment, but he's also an idiot. "I know I've said a lot of things in the past," Lord Ball admitted. "And I know that, technically, I'm saying something now because words are coming out of my mouth; but I'm not just saying things to say them....

Celebrity Relationships now Measured in Dog Years

4Dec

By jeff37 Comments

Celebrities

Celebrity Relationships now Measured in Dog Years

Celebrity relationships are best held to a different standard - not to say that it should necessarily be lower, per se, just different. Since it's been well-established that celebrities are not normal human beings, but heavenly bodies, they shouldn't be held to regular, boring conceptions of love and commitment. By common standards, a long relationship is anywhere between 20 and 30 years. By celebrity standards, however, a long-term commitment can be anywhere between one and five (months). If a celebrity couple makes it past an inconceivable ten years, it leaves them open to criticism as to whether they were truly a celebrity, which would be far worse than if they were to break off the relationship. Think of it this way: we would never expect a puppy to live past 15 full years, so...

27Nov

By jeff23 Comments

ENTMT

Pop Music to Add a Third Chord

A representative for Pop Music, formerly a rep for Bubblegum Pop, and before that, Cotton Candy Pop, recently announced a major change for the genre: A new chord. The official, Mr. Brad Lissener, made the announcement in the wake of revelations that World Music was getting rid of one because it had way too many. "Today marks the beginning of a new era for our genre," began Mr. Lissener. "After years and years of making songs that really could all be mashed together into one 2,000 hour-long song, we have decided to increase the number of official, distinct chords to three." Yanni, the current spokesman for his own "genre", saw the move as a step in the right direction: "First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to thank the world for making me: right out of its bea...

Hipster Loses Non-Prescription Glasses–Still runs into Parked Bus

23Oct

By jeff34 Comments

Society

Hipster Loses Non-Prescription Glasses–Still runs into Parked Bus

Last Saturday morning, as the dawn sloughed off its Chicago overcoat and lifted its red face like a Russian flag on a Florida honeymoon, a hipster hit the streets. And then a parked bus. Arthur Oscar Ramone IX blamed it partly on not having his specs, and partly on the juice jolt iron boxes of the mainstream that pollute our atmospheres and alleyways. "I used to know this guy," Arthur began, "who had rabbit's blood and the face of a Harlem sunset. He only hung with Roundheels and always knew his groceries. Man, that guy knew his groceries. EVERY night was littered with dead soldiers and boiled cabbage. People--mainstreamers--thought his roof was leaking, you know, but he was straight from the fridge. Then he lost his glasses." At this point, we assumed that Arthur had su...